Thinking Out Loud

We're Ba-aaack...

drewnem — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 15:57:52 -0400

...from vacation. Actually, we have been for a few days, but my goodness, I have been trying to avoid the computer like the plague. After being completely away from it for a few days, I had NO desire whatsoever to re-connect. We are back at work this week, and the motivation still hasn't seemed to kick in (I'll speak for myself...Drew's seems fine, as he's been working long hours since we returned and will continue to do so through September). Hey, so...it's August, did you know? The college classes I'm teaching this fall start at the end of the month....eep! I'm nervous...and still have a lot to do to prepare...so just a heads up that posting 'round here will continue to be light.

But enough of the jumbled mess currently running through my mind. We went on vacation last week! That is a more interesting topic. We drove up to the U.P. and spent a few days in Houghton. While we were there, we had some good family time with my parents, brother Phil and his girlfriend Abbi, and sister Becky and her husband Justin, out at the Kuiper's beach on Misery Bay (I swam in Lake Superior for the first time in, probably, eight or nine years!); visited McClain State park (where my parents were camping) and ate some yummy campfire-cooked food and learned to play Rook; bummed around downtown Houghton and bought Columbia jackets for 50% off at Surplus Outlet (score!); ate creamy onion au gratin soup at the Library; ate tostada and garlic/broccoli/chicken pizza at Ambassador; visited my alma mater's campus...the list goes on. We had planned to do some Copper Country Cruisin' on our last day, but we were rained out.

I posted a new photo album of pictures from the Yoop as well as a few of the nieces and nephew at the family wedding (Drew's side) this past weekend (click on one of the 'Recent Photos' on the left).

-Em

Playing Catch-up

drewnem — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 13:56:21 -0400

I am playing a bit of catch-up with posting photos. The 'Recent Photos' on the left include the few I took during my D.C. conference, the West Michigan Whitecaps baseball game we went to with our friends Becky and Abby last Saturday, and a couple other stragglers from around the house.

Did I mention they're all taken on our new camera? I fell in love with my sister's Canon PowerShot SD1000 when she was visiting last month, and I've been wanting a new point-and-shoot. This will be a great alternative for times when we just don't feel like carrying the Nikon DSLR and associated gear around with us.

Anyway, okay. I feel a little more caught-up now.

Have a great weekend!

-Em

A Year Later...

drewnem — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 20:31:35 -0400

...and I still think about you every day. A year later...and I still miss you every day.

A year ago today, we found out we lost you. A year ago today, we said our first good-bye to our first child.

We love you, LJ. Always.

-Mama and Papa

Home Again

drewnem — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 19:51:06 -0400

I made it back safely from my conference in D.C. Wow, what a trip! I am completely exhausted. It was go, go, go the entire time, and I slept 4-5 hours each night, so I became progressively more drained as the days went by. But, I learned a lot, networked a lot, got to know my co-workers on a more personal level, and had a lot of fun. I wish I would've had some more time to sight-see while I was there, but this just means we'll have a perfect excuse to go visit Becky and Abby after they move.

-Em

4th of July

drewnem — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 12:03:16 -0400

Happy Belated 4th to everyone. Yesterday, Drew and I drove down to Kalamazoo to spend some time with his parents and our nephew, Lucas. Lucas' mommy was working, and his daddy had a party to attend, so Papa, Babcia (Drew's parents), Uncle Drew, and Aunt Em had the little guy all to ourselves (to, ahem, spoil).

We haven't seen Mr. Lucas since March or April, so he was pretty shy with us at first. I couldn't have that, though...so, I made a fool of myself dancing around until I got him to smile, then went with Babcia and him on a walk and oohed and aahed each time he pointed out diggers (Drew's parents are temporarily living in an apartment complex where construction is occurring; they sold their house, and this is their interim home while their new house is being built). We were buds after that.

We also celebrated Drew's birthday while we were there with a blueberry cheesecake...yum!

See the 'Recent Photos' on the left for pictures.

-Em

A Week of Visitors

drewnem — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 19:35:46 -0400

Well, I just wrote a nice long post about this week and the visitors we had, but my browser crashed, and now I'm too grumpy to re-write the whole thing.

Here's the abridged version:

My sister Becky visited Monday - Thursday. We had some great conversations and fun hanging out. I miss having her nearby. (I didn't take any pictures with my camera while she was here, but I know she took some with her point-and-shoot. I'd like to get the same one she has...I don't tend to lug the DSLR around as often).

Rachel, Ben, and Sam visited Thursday - Saturday. I had a lot of fun with the boys, and they were so good. Sammy is an amazingly happy baby, and Ben is gregarious and hilarious. It was also great catching up with my good friend, Rachel. I miss her. (To see some pictures of the boys, click on the 'Recent Photos' on the left.)

Today, our house is quiet. It has been great having some quality time with Drew, but it is difficult coming down from the excitement of such great visitors and kids in the house. I am very thankful for the visits, though. Thank you, guys, for coming.

Now, we are looking forward to a shortened week for the holiday. Then, on Sunday (Drew's birthday), I fly out to D.C. for a public relations conference. It's too bad I have to leave on Drew's special day, but I am looking forward to the conference itself.

-Em

Don't worry...I'm OK

drewnem — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 11:52:13 -0400

I have been asked by many of you about how I'm doing...since our most recent disappointment during this baby-making journey. I am OK. I'm sorry if I worried anyone. I wasn't doing so good for a while, but I have (mostly) turned the corner and am picking myself back up and moving on. Yes, we are taking a break from fertility treatments...we need to regroup emotionally and financially...all of this has taken a huge toll in both areas. We are still paying for my surgery in February (shit, that was expensive), not to mention the procedures that've been done since. My goodness, the bills. We were really hoping that having that cyst removed from my fallopian tube would be the key to enabling us to become pregnant, but that just hasn't been the case. It is disappointing for sure, and leads us back to believing that, again, there is more that's wrong with me.

I just wanted you all to know that we are alive, keeping very busy with work (I will be teaching my first university-level technical and business writing classes this fall, so I am busy developing those courses), and trying to just enjoy our summer. I love West Michigan in the summer...feels almost like we don't need to take a vacation elsewhere!

Hope this finds you all well.

-Em

Game Over

drewnem — Fri, 30 May 2008 21:09:00 -0400

Fine. You win, infertility. You've beaten me down yet again, hard. Some couples can endure this for 10 years, 5 years...I guess my breaking point is 2.5 years.

I'm out.

-Em

Shadow Babies

drewnem — Thu, 22 May 2008 21:52:08 -0400

It's a term I didn't even know existed until recently: shadow babies. I always knew about this "phenomenon," the sometimes-painful realization at seeing babies who are around the same age LJ would now be. It started right away, after I returned to work after the miscarriage. Women who I'd been pregnant "with" were still pregnant. My belly was deflated, and the first glimpses of these women in all their glowing fertileness rendered me unable to breathe. As their pregnant bellies continued to grow, I regained my ability to breathe (or, gasp!, speak to them), though I'm not sure it ever became easy. Finally, the pregnancy announcements started to come.

I now regularly check the blogs of the parents of some of these shadow babies. I look at the photos of those beautiful, smiling four- and five-month olds, and I imagine what our own baby would've looked like, what new milestone she'd be going through.

Some days, peeking in on LJ's shadow babies hurts like hell, and I just look at pictures and cry, think of LJ, and mourn all over again.

Other days, peeking in on them allows an unspeakable joy to well up inside me.

I can continue to be sad for myself--for us--and be joyful for these other parents (thank goodness). I can look at the precious babies and imagine LJ, in heaven--whole and healthy and radiant and beautiful. These shadow babies will always be important to me--they are just one way for me to keep LJ alive in my heart.

-Em

On Following Your Gut

drewnem — Thu, 22 May 2008 19:17:03 -0400

I read this passage from a post on A Glow in the Woods today and found myself relating to it all too well. Here's an excerpt:

"I read Deborah Davis’ Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby about 4-6 weeks after Maddy died. I found it . . . redundant. I guess it was nice knowing I didn’t exist in a void, but confirming that I’d be feeling . . . exactly what I was feeling? Thanks? I guess?

But there was a gem in there that helped me significantly, and rolls around in my head to this day. I’m sorry I can’t quote it verbatim because I sent off my book to another grieving mom, but it went something like this: it’s actually a good thing that the major decisions we make during the time from hell are made while we’re sleep deprived and loopy and trying to juggle a million different balls and exhausted from crying because that way, they come from the gut. Davis suggests that it’s a good thing we don’t over-think the major decisions, and that instead, because of our circumstances, they come from somewhere subconscious rather than based on intellectual reasoning."

I have often wondered how much LJ's death influenced the major life decision I made last year to resign from my job of 6+ years. I do remember--after finally returning to work after the long road to healing--thinking "this can't go on for much longer." All the stupid shit that plagued my thoughts every day ("Are people following the process?" "Are people reading the documentation?" Will anyone attend this UCD session?" "And who the eff cares, anyway?") seemed completely insignificant in the grand scheme of things. I knew that I needed a new career--a new life--in which I felt like I was making a difference and helping people. Though I am not in a classroom with students every day, working in education has been more rewarding than I could've ever imagined. People's gratitude for an article I've written to publicize their role/work, a program, or an event amazes me. Not only do I get to really, truly write every day, but people appreciate that I do my job. Imagine! Being thanked, regularly, for doing what you get paid to do. Imagine! Getting pulled aside by co-workers who "just wanted to tell you that news release was fantastic." Some days it doesn't seem real; it seems almost too good to be true: I get to do what I enjoy, and people are grateful for it. How is this possible?

When I resigned in October, I felt a lot of mixed emotions. It would be weird not working at the same company as Drew anymore (he has since left for a different company, though, too, so no biggie there, anymore). I never quite accomplished all that I hoped I could at that company (though I am realizing getting re-orged every couple of years made that nearly impossible, anyway). I didn't want to leave my colleagues high and dry (they hired a replacement relatively quickly, and from what I hear, she is probably a better fit in that position than I ever was in the first place). As time has gone by, all of these unsettling feelings have been put to rest. Things have worked out. For the better. On both sides. I am a happier person. I don't hate my job.

Why does it sometimes take a tragedy for us to have the rawness of emotion--or is it just the courage?--needed to make the difficult decisions? I think part of me must have felt as though, "My God, I somehow survived the loss of a child, why the hell couldn't I survive a job change?"

I guess I can thank my LJ for that. Thank you, little one, for giving Mama courage.

-Em

I'm Never Leaving the Kitchen Again...

drewnem — Wed, 21 May 2008 18:04:24 -0400

The countertops are done! Check out the 'Recent Photos' on the left to see the finished product. We are both pleased with how they turned out; however, the need to replace our kitchen appliances and flooring in the kitchen/dining area has now been made that much more evident. Oh well, one thing at a time, right?

I have to say, I was a little nervous about the dark pattern I picked out, but seeing it finished, up against the oak cabinets with black hardware, makes me feel like I definitely made the right pick!

Drew has been a busy bee this week with demolition of the old countertops; drywall patching, sanding, and painting where the old backsplash used to be; then installing the new sink and faucet today after the installation was complete. He's awesome, basically.

-Em

Bye, Bye Ugly Countertops

drewnem — Sun, 18 May 2008 17:28:52 -0400

When we first looked at this house, I remember saying to Drew, "One of the first things I would want to change are these ugly, off-white, damaged, and stained countertops." It's been more than three years since then, and they're finally, finally going! Woo hoo!

Drew has been working on most of the demolition today (we opted to do this part ourselves to save money), and the new countertops are supposed to be installed on Wednesday. We will be without the use of our kitchen for a few days, but I think it'll all be worth it. We need to go pick out our new sink and faucet in the next couple of days as well.

Check out the 'Recent Photos' on the left for a few demolition pics and a preview of what the countertops will look like. I'll post more photos of the finished product later this week.

In other news, we traveled down to Earlville yesterday for Barry and Kristi's wedding reception. It was a lot of fun, and we got to see some friends we haven't seen for quite sometime (Hi Ryan and Brooke! Aaron and Kelli!). Earlier, before the reception, I enjoyed some much-needed girl time with Kate, Aubrey, and Michele while Drew went golfing (and, ahem, bar-hopping) with Collin, Darrell, and Brent. It was great spending time with the girls, and I know for a fact that Drew enjoyed himself, too. Miss you guys already!

-Em

Ouchie

drewnem — Fri, 16 May 2008 11:01:06 -0400

Yesterday, I left work a little early to stop by my doctor's office for the FSH injections. When I arrived, the receptionist told me she'd tell the nurse I was here, then proceeded to pack up, close the glass door, lock it, and leave. The other receptionist did the same. I sat there in the waiting room, um, waiting, and there was silence surrounding me. The place was deserted. I started panicking, mildly. "Oh no," I thought. "The receptionist forgot to tell the nurse who's supposed to administer the injections that I'm here, and we'll miss our chance. This has to be done today, now. Oh no!" I tried to calm down and concentrate on a magazine, repeating to myself that I had not been forgotten. I thought back to yesterday's office visit, during which Drew and I sat in the examining room for more than an hour and a half before the doctor came in to do the ultrasound. I had begun to lose hope then, as well. Was so frustrated sitting there, on the cold examining table. It couldn't be prevented--the doctor was called into a delivery--and the nurse had been instructed to make us wait there for her to arrive, because, again, timing is crucial.

Finally, I saw a nurse peek her head out the door. I've never been so happy to be called into that dreaded examining room. She apologized profusely and prepared the crazy-long needles. I assumed "the position" and received the dreadful pokes. "Damn!" I was yelling in my head. "Hold it together...don't cry....you've gone through this before."

It still freakin' hurt. It still hurts now. Damn. No matter how hard I try, or psyche myself up beforehand, I cannot get used to all of this. The crazy drugs. Needles upon needles upon needles. The cold, hard examining table.

Right now, I am praying that we'll be successful so that I won't have to experience all of this again next month. Next month, the doctor said, it'll be even worse. More drugs, more ultrasounds (one every few days), even more shots. Please...let this be it.

Because it just hurts so much.

-Em

I have an egg.

drewnem — Wed, 14 May 2008 13:48:08 -0400

I saw the egg. It was just chillin' out there in the follicle, waiting. Waiting to mature just a little bit more, waiting to be released and travel through the fallopian tube. The doctor showed us both the egg on the ultrasound screen, and measured the lining of my uterus as well. I go back in tomorrow for FSH injections, one in each hip, to get that little egg to (hopefully) release and start its journey. For many, the presence of an egg within the ovary is nothing special...it is something that happens like clock-work every 28 days or so. For me, even without knowing for sure whether or not we'll conceive this cycle, it feels like a miracle. Could this little egg we saw today be a potential baby? In a few weeks' time, will it be an embryo...a few weeks after that, a fetus? I am so excited, so hopeful...so desperately wishing that this is our second chance. If it doesn't happen, we will try again next month. We will grieve for a few days, then pick ourselves up and try one more time. I don't want to think about that right now, though. Right now...I'm going to revel in the knowledge that I have an egg. And hope and pray with all my might that all the drugs and shots do what they're supposed to.

-Em

Happy Mother's Day...

drewnem — Sun, 11 May 2008 11:12:35 -0400

...to all of those wonderful mothers out there (including my own, who's the best one ever). I am constantly amazed and humbled by all you mothers do for your families. I hope that you feel truly loved and appreciated today. You deserve it.

I feel silly and even a bit inappropriate sharing this next part. This morning when I woke up, the first thing Drew said to me was "Happy Mother's Day." He saw the tears instantly begin to well up in my eyes and held me close to him in a tight bear hug while I cried. I tried to break away from him, to brush off that I'm not "technically" a mother, but he was having none of it. "I don't think LJ would agree with you on that," he said.

These days leading up to Mother's Day have been more difficult for me than I thought they'd be. After all, I do not care for a child each and every day, so how can I really, truly count myself as a member of that important club? I feel like a fraud even considering it.

Still, as I've see the sentimental Mother's Day commercials on television, an overwhelming sense of sadness and loss overtakes me. I feel like a mother. More than that...I was a mother, once, to our never-to-be-born child. No. Even that does not cover it. I am a mother, still, to our precious angel baby. Last year at this time, right before our first child had begun growing inside of me, I remember thinking, my heart filled with hope, that Mother's Day next year would be so special for us...when I'd legitimately be able to celebrate the day with my baby who, now, would be almost four months old. However, that was not to be.

Days like today are a painful reminder of the child we lost, but, somehow, at the same time, they also make me feel closer to our precious LJ. I hope it is not offensive to anyone who has a living child that we are celebrating Mother's Day in our household today. It is not to lessen the real, tangible things you do each and every day to care for your children. I admire you all more than I can say.

-Em

100 Things to Do Before I Go (#76-100)

drewnem — Wed, 07 May 2008 20:01:59 -0400

My friend, Gail, reminded me yesterday that I still owe y'all my last 25 Things to Do Before I Go. Can you tell this has gotten harder towards the end?

76. Brush up on my French language skills.

77. Visit France with Kate and her mom (and others, if they want!).

78. Make really good French onion soup and coq au vin (that I don’t drop in the snow bank first and, then, have to get my Dad's help re-creating/salvaging before Rachel’s dinner party).

79. Go on an all-day shopping excursion with Rachel (I miss my best shopping partner!).

80. Host Christmas for my side of the family, with everyone in attendance.

81. Fully document my infertility experiences: the good, bad, and ugly.

82. Learn how to be less socially awkward, especially in large groups of people (is this possible?).

83. Make homemade scones.

84. Walk the dogs at least twice a week (believe it or not, it’s becoming easier as they get older).

85. Decorate my office at work, once this summer construction is complete, with plants and photos and lots of cheerful color.

86. Find a church that feels like home (and attend it regularly).

87. Tour Nevada with Drew.

88. Take the train from Holland, MI to Chicago.

89. Stay in a swanky hotel in downtown Chicago for at least two nights.

90. See the Cubs play at Wrigley Field.

91. Go to the theatre more often, with Drew (you’d love to see some more musicals, right, honey?)

92. Go back to Butchart Gardens and take more pictures with the DSLR.

93. Eat fresh lobster on the East Coast (I totally had to steal this one from Gail.)

94. Go back to visit the places I grew up (the ones I haven’t been back to): Wichita, KS; Salina, KS; Troy, NY; Wenham, MA.

95. Own an heirloom-worthy solid hardwood dining table and chairs (oh yeah, and a house with a formal dining room to put them in ).

96. Host more dinner parties.

97. Own a baby grand piano.

98. Convert to using only re-usable grocery bags.

99. Create a "place" (maybe in a garden?) where I can go to talk to LJ and honor her memory.

100. Tell my family and friends how much I love them. Repeat often.

In Someone Else's Words

drewnem — Wed, 07 May 2008 14:21:24 -0400

Since receiving the "plan" from my doctor at the end of last week, I've been researching where to get the self-injectable FSH shots, sans insurance, at the best cost. On one fertility drug web site, I came across this page. I thought it might be helpful to link to it here, because it provides good insight into the feelings of infertile couples, from different perspectives.

I fail so often at writing coherently about the subject (hmmm...perhaps I'm a little too close to it to be objective?) Hopefully this helps you, fertiles and infertiles alike, better understand what it's like.

-Em

Three Years Ago Today...

drewnem — Mon, 05 May 2008 08:46:44 -0400

My best friend asked me to marry him.

I love you, Drew.

-Em

The TTC Saga Continues...

drewnem — Fri, 02 May 2008 16:42:04 -0400

You might've noticed a definite lack of "trying to conceive" posts as of late. Since this, really. How astute of you. I've been holding off posting this cycle -- for the past two weeks especially -- while we were waiting to find out if our maximum strength Clomid and Ovulation Predictor Kit efforts paid off. Despite many, many days of "feeling pregnant," (read: like shit), we found out definitively today that we are not. We are sad, as we always are when we find this out. The negatives, oh how they abound in this household...in home pregnancy tests, blood tests at the lab. No. NO. NO, DUMBASS. NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I'm sorry. I need to hold it together a little better, don't I? Today has been a rough day. I saw the telling signs of blood (almost two weeks late), and it was all I could do to hold it together during photo ops at work. Luckily (yes, luckily), the sad feelings are somewhat lessened because of my doctor's willingness to step it up and kick ASS just when I need her to.

As always, we have a plan. This cycle, the plan is our most stringent yet. And most expensive yet, since our new insurance covers ZERO of our infertility costs. Bye, bye, stimulus check...bye, bye tax return....bye, bye savings account. By the end of this saga, even if we do get pregnant, we won't be able to afford to HAVE the child!

Here is the plan:

1) Start another max dose of Clomid on CD 3 (through CD 7), which starts Sunday.

2) Start self-injectable Follistim (FSH shots), which is on par with giving myself insulin shots every day.

3) Have transvaginal ultrasound on CD 13 to see if follicles have matured.

4) Based on ultrasound information, move forward with Intrauterine Insemination (IUI).

So, there you go. TMI for many of you, I'm sure. Don't read me wrong above. I'm not bitter, but I'm not happy, either. I'm mostly just feeling very sad and sorry for myself at the moment. (Helpful, I know...) This is not the worst news ever; I know that. And it is nice to have yet another plan. I operate better when there's a plan. Who am I kidding? I am unable to operate AT ALL unless there is a plan. At least I have that, right? A plan? Who needs a child when there's a PLAN?

Please pray extra hard for us this cycle. We won't be able to afford to do this all that much longer...

-Em

***Edited to add: A friend just asked me how I'm feeling...mentally/emotionally. I guess I am feeling a bit angry at the moment, and I'm sure that came across in this post. I apologize for that tone. So much has happened in one day. I think I just need some time to grieve and gear up for yet another exhausting cycle. I still have hope...and faith. And a plan (did I mention that?).

100 Things to Do Before I Go (#51-75)

drewnem — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 20:37:05 -0400

51. Take a drawing class.

52. Really get to know my siblings as adults.

53. Watch my sister teach in Spanish.

54. Have a picture taken with four generations of women—Grandma Teddy, my mom, me, my sister, and my future daughter—before it’s too late.

55. Convert to using all “green” household cleaning products.

56. Frame all those Ansel Adams photographs I collected from previous years’ calendars and finally hang them in the master bedroom.

57. Re-paint the “wall of death” red.

58. Find a pleasing arrangement for family photos on the new red wall.

59. Buy a decent lounge chair or hammock for the deck (just do it already…yes, they are expensive, but you know you want one…).

60. Wear a sunhat without feeling self-conscious.

61. Camp out in the backyard with Drew and the dogs, complete with “camp” fire and S’mores.

62. Embrace ironing.

63. Make all cards for a year’s worth of occasions ahead of time, and file them by birthdate, anniversary, etc.

64. Create more photo albums.

65. Find a jewelry box that fits all my necklaces in a hanging position, so that they don’t always get tangled.

66. Have a walk-in closet, reserved just for me and my exorbitant collection of shoes and handbags.

67. Read the Bible from cover to cover.

68. Sing a duet with my sister.

69. Some day, live close enough to work to walk (like Dad) or bike there (like Tiff used to).

70. Get together with Kate, Aubrey, Michele, and Tosha at least twice a year.

71. Feel less guilty when I say “no” in favor of maintaining balance in my life.

72. Get a family picture taken with Drew, me, Molly, and Sammy (if we can hold them still!).

73. Spend a romantic weekend with Drew at the Khardomah Lodge (where we were married).

74. Get that piano tuned.

75. Put window boxes with pretty annuals under the two front windows.

100 Things to Do Before I Go (#26-50)

drewnem — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 08:35:41 -0400

26. Become pregnant, carry a healthy child to term, and deliver that child naturally.

27. Adopt a child who needs a loving home and parents.

28. Become a mentor.

29. Visit Grandma Bea’s final resting place in Colorado one more time.

30. Find a way to live closer to my family.

31. Find special ways to show my love/support to our godchild as she grows up and experiences life events.

32. Write a children’s book.

33. Get my teaching license and teach secondary English in the public school systems for at least one year.

34. Study early childhood development.

35. Learn how to pick out clothes that look good on my figure (or lack thereof).

36. Learn how to ride a motorcycle (better…without laying the thing down on top of me).

37. Make camping at a state park an annual family vacation.

38. Find more ways to sneak extra vegetables into meals (a la Deceptively Delicious style).

39. Participate in a book club.

40. Live on the waterfront.

41. Run a 5k with a friend.

42. Teach Drew to cross-country ski.

43. Get over my fear of/distaste for baking.

44. Write down recipes I alter/invent.

45. Create my own recipe cards on which to write down recipes I alter/invent myself.

46. Visit Sweetwater Local Foods Market.

47. Write another article or book chapter with my Dad.

48. Write a book of stories about humorous events/incidents growing up in our family.

49. Remember all of my first cousins’ names (believe me, this is not as simple as it seems).

50. Get a handle on the grammar rules I have yet to master.

100 Things to Do Before I Go (#1-25)

drewnem — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 13:29:21 -0400

Inspired by my sister (thanks, Becky!) and others. My first 25 aren't particularly creative, but I hope that I will get more creative now that much of that requisite professional goal-type stuff is mostly out of the way.

1. Publish at least one work of fiction.

2. Publish at least one work of non-fiction.

3. Have a feature article published in a major (non-industry-specific) magazine.

4. Earn a second bachelor’s or master’s degree and/or Ph.D.

5. Read the Chronicles of Narnia, Anne of Green Gables, The Secret Garden, and From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler (among other early adolescent literature) to a child.

6. Read the classics on my “to read” list.

7. Paint a nursery yellow, like my first bedroom in Salina, KS (to this day, I still remember that room being the lightest, brightest, and most comforting place to be).

8. Expand my teaching of writing to other companies/organizations and begin teaching writing at a college/university.

9. Expand my writing/teaching consulting into a successful business venture (“successful” here means “could replace 9-5 job with comparable income").

10. Travel to Italy, the South of France, Ireland, Greece, Japan, and Bali (to name a few).

11. Plant a successful vegetable garden (“successful” here means “does not die,” as is so typical of any of my gardening adventures to date).

12. Take a photography class and make a point of practicing more often.

13. Re-learn to play Clair de Lune on the piano again (this means playing it up-to-tempo, with no hesitations or mistakes).

14. Learn how to play the guitar.

15. Join a singing group or choir.

16. Act in another theatre production.

17. Take dance lessons.

18. Become as (or more) physically fit as I was while playing sports in high school.

19. Save a life.

20. Bake with my Mom to learn Grandma Bea’s sweet roll recipe.

21. Go sailing.

22. Become a stronger swimmer.

23. Buy new, hardwood bookshelves and re-arrange all books I own by topic and alphabetically.

24. Tweak homemade frozen yogurt recipe for optimum nutrition and sweetness.

25. Take a relaxing beach vacation (one where absolutely nothing is planned and there’s no pressure of somewhere to go).

-Em

Is There a Reason for Everything?

drewnem — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 20:53:01 -0400

Kate and I have been discussing infertility a lot lately. Shocker, I know... Of course we would be, right? It is something that is at the forefront of both of our minds right now--as we each struggle to conceive a child of our own. It is so comforting to talk to someone who's done the same research, gotten similar information from doctors, and basically just understands the ins and outs of infertility more than the average person.

In addition to information sharing, story-swapping, and sanity-checking, we've also discussed "reasons" why we think we might be going through this struggle. I think, as humans, we always try to make sense of things like this. Maybe there is no real reason, I don't know, but I guess I'm not really willing to believe that (at this point in my life, anyway). I need to believe there's more to it than that. I need to feel like I was chosen to endure this for some sort of reason--not because I'm being punished, or merely because I'm the "lucky" random person who got picked out of the hat.

Today, Kate brought a post written on a message board by another infertile to my attention:

---

"What God meant when he gave me infertility..

Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive advice. We can list all the most popular ones: Just relax and you'll get pregnant, or adopt and you'll get pregnant, of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan; maybe God never meant for you to have children. The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.

These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life? It's hard to understand that people cannot see infertility for what it is; a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung, or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that was God's plan?

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled. I've gained more compassion, deeper courage, greater inner strength on this journey to resolution and I haven't let him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never have chosen infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice; I'll say "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."

Take hold, ladies, that God has a greater plan for us as women and as mothers. We are in for the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink we've ever known! Take hold ladies...God will not forsake us!"

---

Besides this woman's thoughts being, well, extremely relatable to someone like me, I also want to believe that the "singling out" she mentioned is true. I want to believe that I was chosen to go through this because, perhaps, I'm unafraid (not always, though, I must admit!) to share this experience with others. Kate and I have both discussed these yearnings (for meaning) and agree that along with this struggle comes a responsibility: to help remove the "stigma" and/or misconceptions that accompany this "disease," to educate people, to help people learn to be more empathetic and understanding to those who suffer.

If we can help just one other person feel less "abnormal" or "broken"--that alone will be enough to have made this all worth it. Like the woman above said, I never would've chosen infertility. Not by a longshot. It often doesn't seem fair that it took us so long to get pregnant with our first child, then, once we did, to lose that child. It doesn't seem fair that the miscarriage was so long, drawn out, and painful. It doesn't seem fair that it's taken nearly a year to even return to the point where we can begin to start trying for a child again. It is a long, slow, and heart-breakingly excrutiating process.

That's why there has to be more to it. I refuse to accept that there is no reason.

-Em

Ducati Monster Terra Mostro...AKA sweetest dual sport EVER

drewnem — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 12:27:09 -0400

I was perusing one of my motorcycle web sites today and ran across this article:

http://thekneeslider.com/archives/2008/04/10/ducati-monster-terra-mostro-in-production/

This has got to be one of the sweetest things I've seen in a while...time to start auctioning everything I own so I can buy one...

***Update: Here's a link to the makers of the bike: http://www.terramostro.com/
I'm curious to know if they make kits to convert a monster that you already own....

- Drew

The New 'Do

drewnem — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 18:19:24 -0400

If you wanna see how my hair turned out, click on one of the 'Recent Photos' on the left. (Notice the 'closing my eyes in pictures' trend, which has been a life-long affliction...thanks to Drew for taking the pics for your viewing, um, pleasure?)

-Em

Measuring My Face...Oh Yes, This Is Getting Serious, People...

drewnem — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 19:28:28 -0400

After Drew was kind enough to measure my face for me tonight (don't laugh), it seems I have a heart-shaped face. Guess who else has one? I'm starting to think, more and more, that the Nicole Richie hair-cut (submitted by Aubrey) might indeed be the one...

I know you're all on the edge of your seat waiting to hear which one I'll pick. I'm planning to get it cut at the end of next week, which gives me some more time to ponder, further explore, and (as Rachel so smartly put it, "wait for the Clomid to wear off before doing something drastic." -- Long story here, but I had the first Clomid-related symptoms this afternoon...crazy hot flashes...and I briefly considered shearing my own mane with the scissors in my office a la Pedro-in-Napoleon-Dynamite style! LOL). I'll keep you posted. Thanks so much for your suggestions, etc., and please feel free to keep 'em coming. Y'all are so much better at this than I am!

-Em

Hair pictures

drewnem — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 12:00:21 -0400

If I were to go short, I think this is what I'd be after...(a la Julia Stiles)

I also like more shoulder-length styles like this...though I wouldn't go that blond.

Do those pics help at all?

-Em

Nieces, Nephew, and Mastiff, Oh My!

drewnem — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 19:02:23 -0400

Today we went down to Kalamazoo to visit with Drew's family at his parents' house. Brie and Charles were visiting from Kentucky for spring break. Luanne, Tim, and Lucas came over as well. We had a very yummy home-cooked meal of ham, scalloped potatoes, green beans, and salad. We also celebrated some recent family birthdays.

Drew and I had a ton of fun playing with our nieces and nephew today. Check out the 'Recent Photos' on the left for evidence.

-Em

P.S. If you look at the recent pictures, you'll see a couple of me with Lucas. You'll also see that my hair needs some major help (I'm looking pretty scraggily). I haven't done anything fun and interactive here in a while, so I'd like to hear your suggestions for a new spring hairdo! I have been itching to do something new with my hair since last November, but I keep holding off because I can't make a decision. I think I'd rather keep a little length (probably just shoulder-length), to have the ability to pull it back, but the current length is just too much (obviously). I am also thinking about lightening it again, especially for the summer...what do you think? I'm open to other ideas as well. I had a brief thought of an inverted bob, but I'm not sure I'm brave enough to go that short again.

Skippin' Steps

drewnem — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 19:13:37 -0400

Well, the first HCG blood test I took last week was negative, then this week, on the day I was planning to go back to the lab for my second HCG quant, my period started. After calling and talking to my doctor's nurse, we agreed that we could skip the second HCG quant, the progesterone to induce a period (duh), and start right on Clomid on CD (cycle day) 5, which turns out to be Saturday.

So, things are moving along. I keep swinging back and forth between being happy that I actually. started. my. period. on. my. own. and being very sad (because, obviously, we aren't pregnant). It was silly to even hold out any hope that we would be, but despite everything, I still always get my hopes up, only to be disappointed. Now that we are out of our holding pattern again, I am instantly drained at the thought of drugs and shots and everything that goes along with it...and we haven't even started yet!

Wish me luck over the next several days as I start on the devil drug again (wish Drew luck as well...he'll need it).

-Em

Post-Op Appointment

drewnem — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 18:29:35 -0400

This afternoon I had my post-operation appointment with my doctor. She removed the stitches from my three incisions, showed me pictures of the cyst (holy COW, was that thing scary-looking...no wonder why I was in pain!), asked how I've been feeling since surgery (much better, now that I don't have a huge round thing smooshing everything around in there), talked about "next steps," and ordered blood work for me for today and next week.

Here's the plan, for those interested:

1) HCG blood test today (check) -- check for pregnancy

2) HCG blood test a week from today -- check again for pregnancy if last week's was negative

3) If no signs of pregnancy within the next couple of weeks, start Provera to induce a period and start a cycle.

4) Start over with Clomid/FSH shots to get me ovulating again.

5) Repeat a few cycles if ovulation is detected but pregnancy does not occur, then assess whether to move on to artificial insemination.

In theory, based on the cyst now being gone, my tubes not being blocked, no signs of PCOS seen, and no fibroid, etc. found on my uterus, there is no real reason for me not to ovulate. Unfortunately, I have a history of irregular cycles, and even if things look normal, it is not necessarily a given that I will ovulate on my own. Fortunately, however, who knows? There should be less standing in the way now, and I'm trying to have faith that my body will cooperate. Anything is possible.

We'll just have to see what the next couple of weeks bring. No matter what, it is nice to have this "baseline" from which to start fresh. Even with the physical and emotional pain of the past year, we have made a lot of progress, really. We have eliminated a lot of things that "aren't" the problem via process of elimination, and we've mitigated some of the major things that have been problematic.

-Em