So, um, yeah...just the usual Saturday night activities around here...



Drew taking laptops apart just for giggles and putting them back together...

Living with a Computer Engineer: it's always a party!

-Em

After the reunion on Sunday, we (including some of the cousins, second cousins, and an aunt and uncle) all went back to the hotel and went swimming in the pool. The kids (and most of the adults, too) stayed in the water until pooped, then we went our own ways for dinner, depending on what sounded good. My parents retired rather early that night, and then Blaise/Nicole, Phil/Abbi, and Drew/me stayed up outside of Blaise and Nicole's room (where the boys were sleeping) talking.

Monday morning was Drew's 30th Birthday. We said good-bye to Phil and Abbi that day, as they weren't accompanying us to Colorado, then after breakfast and checking out of the hotel, the rest of us got back on the road. We stopped about an hour into the drive in Kearney, Nebraska, where we lived for three years before moving to Earlville, Illinois. I went to 6th, 7th, and 8th grades in Kearney. We drive by our old house, schools, and church before splitting up. Dad and Mom wanted to take the back roads from there to my Grandma's grave site. Drew and I decided to continue to caravan with Blaise and Nicole and the boys, saying that we'd visit the grave on our trip home from Colorado a couple days later.

It was another pretty long day in the car, but once we were a ways into Colorado, it was pretty cool to see the mountains off in the distance. We checked into our hotel rooms in Brighton, Colorado (right outside of Denver), then waited for my parents to show up before going to dinner. The boys swam in the hotel pool again that night before we all retired.


The sky after dinner that night

We met for breakfast the next morning, then said our good-byes to my parents and brother's family. They were heading further west into Colorado to see some of my Dad's side of the family that day after stopping in Breckenridge. Drew and I decided we wanted to spend the rest of the brief time we had in that area, heading up to Estes Park and seeing a bit more of the Rocky Mountains. It was sad to say good-bye to everyone.

After going our separate ways, we took the scenic drive up to Estes Park, a touristy town near the foot of Rocky Mountain National Park. Here are a few pictures from that day:


The Rocky Mountains


A statue on the road leading to Estes Park


From the car, heading toward the mountains (obviously )


On the windy mountain road


Just outside Estes Park


Mmmm...our very own cupful of roasted garlic for lunch in Estes Park. Potent!

After spending the day being tourists, we headed back to our hotel room in Brighton and had a low-key evening. We had a sushi dinner and fell asleep watching re-runs of NCIS.

The next morning we started the two day drive back home. We stopped in Haxtun, Colorado that morning at my Grandma Sullivan's grave site, and my Grandpa Sullivan (who died before I was born) and their only daughter Lorraine Jodell (who was born on my birthday 48 years before me and died at only six months old) are buried there, too. It was very emotional to re-visit the grave site, which I hadn't been to since my Grandma's funeral when I was nine years old. I introduced them to Drew, and even he couldn't hold back his tears. We thanked them for looking after our precious angel babies there in heaven. It was a beautifully clear, sunny day, and I felt an overwhelming sense of peace just being there, talking to my Grandma especially, who I was very close to. Another "coincidence" I didn't notice until just recently: Lorraine Jodell...LJ. Both my Grandma and I lost babies with the same initials.

After saying our good-byes at the cemetery, we drove all the way through Nebraska and as far as Des Moines, Iowa, before stopping for the night. I was mesmerized by the hundreds of wind turbines an hour or so outside of Des Moines.



After checking into our hotel, we went to the restaurant attached to it for dinner, and we saw a classic car show taking place outside. After eating, we went and took a look at all of the restored cars. I didn't take any pictures, but it was really cool. There were more Corvettes represented there than any other vehicle, so Drew wasn't one bit disappointed.

The next day we finished the drive through the rest of Iowa, Illinois, Indiana, and home to Michigan. We picked up the girls at the vet's office (where we board them), and both Molly and Sammy earned excellent "report cards" during their stay. Despite winning over their caretakers in our absence, I think they were both pretty happy to see us...that is, until we got them home and they realized it was bath time!

-Em

Saturday morning (the 4th of July), we all met for breakfast at the hotel in KC, then checked out and got back on the road to pay a visit to my Grandma and Grandpa in Concordia, KS. During our drive, we stopped in Salina, KS, the first place my family lived that I actually have memories of, and while we were there, we took a peek at our old house. When we moved from KS to NY, my parents sold our house there to people who planned to turn it into a daycare center, and it's still a daycare to this day. I was five years old when we moved away. The house seemed much bigger to me back then; it was interesting to see it now, from an adult's perspective. Blaise and I joked about how the walk with Mom down to the gas station on the corner for candy used to seem like quite a long trek when we were just tots. Really, it was just a couple houses down from us!

After lunch in Salina, we finished the drive to my grandparents' apartment. The 10 of us all squeezed into their tiny place and visited for about an hour. I was pretty impressed that my Grandpa Leo remembered Drew's name after only having met him once three or four years ago. Unfortunately, my Grandma (who has Alzheimer's) didn't seem to know who any of us were. We were all prepared for this, but it is still difficult to witness. My Mom sat next to her the whole time holding her hand as she interjected bits of conversation that had nothing to do with the actual conversation taking place. Her only moments of clarity seem to be centered on their little dog, Angel, and when Alex and Conor would do something that caught her attention. She seemed tickled by the "one in yellow" (Conor) who started getting a little feisty with his brother toward the end of the visit. She would just chuckle and make comments about his antics. That was kinda cute.

After our short visit, we hopped back into the cars and completed the drive to Grand Island, NE (the town my Mom grew up in, parents met in, and the majority of my Mom's side of the family still lives in). The reunion with them was scheduled for the next day, so once we arrived at the hotel, we had the rest of the night to relax. We had dinner at the hotel restaurant and ventured outside eventually as it appeared that pretty much all of the guests at the hotel had brought along an impressive array of fireworks to set off. We watched the amateur show, caught a good portion of the professional show above the treetops, and watched Conor do his "fireworks dance."

The next morning, several of us went to breakfast with my parents, then I came back to the hotel to fit in a work-out with Nicole. It was great spending a little one-on-one time with Nicole, and it reminded me how much I miss having a work-out partner. I also wish we lived closer to Blaise and Nicole. As far as sisters in law go, she's pretty darn cool.

After showering and getting ready, we all caravaned over to the family reunion further into town. I saw aunts, uncles, cousins, and second cousins I haven't seen in many, many years. My Grandma and Grandpa also made the trip up from Kansas for the day, so we were able to spend a bit more time with them. I sat next to Grandma and held her hand this time, and though I know she probably still didn't realize who I am, I sensed her becoming comfortable with my presence next to to her, and she started telling me "secrets" as they popped into her head.

Here are a few pictures from the reunion (we also celebrated my Grandma and Grandpa's 25th Wedding Anniversary...for those of you who don't know, my Grandpa Leo isn't my biological Grandpa--he and my Mom's Mom were married when I was 5--but he is the only grandpa I've ever known).


My Mom and Grandma


Mom, Grandma, and Grandpa Leo


My Cousin Amy, Mom, and Grandma


Sister-in-law Nicole, Phil's girlfriend Abbi, and Brother Phil


Drew


All the second cousins


The cousins (I think only my sister Becky was missing)

The third and final installment of our trip will be coming soon...

-Em

Right before the 4th of July, we left for a week-long vacation to Kansas, Nebraska, and Colorado. As you already know, we had to pack up all of my injections to take with us, so I must admit I was a little nervous about how I'd feel during our trip. Luckily, the injections away from home went smoothly, and I felt mostly fine for the trip. Phew!

On Thursday, after work, we drove part-way to Kansas City, Missouri. Friday, we completed the trip to KC, and checked into our hotel there about an hour before my Dad and Mom; Blaise, Nicole, Alex, and Conor; and Phil and Abbi arrived in their caravan from North Dakota. Then, we all drove the few miles down the road to Kauffman Stadium for a KC Royals vs. White Sox baseball game. Unfortunately, the Royals lost that night, but I think we all enjoyed the game, walking around the stadium, and the fireworks afterward. Dollar hotdogs and pop didn't hurt, either.






Alex and Drew


Conor swinging his souvenir bat


Alex and Conor (Conor sat next to a couple Sox fans and kept calling their team the "Stinky Sox" ha!)


The fam: Phil (didn't make it in the pic), Abbi, Mom, Dad, Alex, Nicole, Blaise, and Conor. We were
definitely in the "nose-bleed" section, but at least we got our exercise going up and down the stairs!


Abbi and Nicole


Blaise and Conor


Alex and Conor playing "Ring Around Uncle Drew"


Fountains lit up at night


Fireworks after the game

Stayed tuned for more about the rest of the trip...

-Em

It's hard to believe that tomorrow it's been two years since that horrible day: Friday, July 13, 2007. I've never been fond of Fridays that land on the 13th day of the month, but, of course, our first ultrasound for our first baby would fall on that date. I tried not to be superstitious, but that morning I felt scared and subdued as your Daddy touched my belly and talked about seeing you. I wanted so much to share his excitement, but something inside me held back a bit. I can remember that day so clearly--it has played back in my head like a movie more times than I care to recall. In fact, I've tried to push the vivid images out of my mind when they come back to haunt me, perhaps not as often as they once did, popping into my stream of consciousness (usually at inopportune times), or awakening me at night--the worst type of nightmare...one that came true. I remember the silence, the sobs, the screams, the stares. I remember it all as if it were yesterday, and the punch in the gut still takes the breath right out of my lungs.

I don't know that a mother ever gets over the loss of a child. Naturally, the rawness of the emotions have subsided with time, though some days will transport me right back to my personal hell. I am forever changed from having had you for a brief time, LJ, and for having loved you so deeply and purely. And I am forever changed from having lost you, for experiencing that particular kind of unfathomable anguish.

Today, LJ, I want to say thank you for the way in which you've changed me. Two years later, and I see some of my changes more clearly. I know that some might argue that the change in me is not all for the better, and that is okay. I don't really expect everyone to understand it, to understand me. It's so hard to put yourself in another's place, isn't it? We're all different, have different experiences, trials, and triumphs, and each minute detail helps shape the people we become. In many ways, I've become more introverted. I have noticed that I am more careful with my heart. Although I like to believe that every time a heart is broken, it grows back stronger, larger, it is never easy to open it back up for the pain associated with heartbreak. I keep to myself a bit more. I'm sure I'm a bit guarded. I do try to be open and honest with what I write here, but I try to be careful, too. I've felt how much the words of another can hurt, and so I find myself sharing less than I once did. It's hard to explain how I've changed. I'm just different. But, in many ways, I feel like I've become more "me" than I have been in many years...that I've reverted back to the essence of who I once was and perhaps strayed from for a time.

I never would've chosen this path for myself--to struggle to conceive a child in the first place, then lose the two precious babies we were blessed with. No one would choose that pain. But again, with time, I am beginning to see what living through such losses has done for me. Perhaps I wasn't as compassionate or empathetic as I needed to be to others. Perhaps someone who reads my blog has learned something from my experiences and will know how to better approach a friend or family member who experiences a similar horror. These thoughts are just a couple of ideas that have stuck with me during my time spent in self-reflection.

You see, although I keep myself pretty busy with work, I have a lot of time on my hands to do just that: think...reflect. Work is surface activity, and it can only take you so far. Even when you're completely caught up with work (which I never seem to be), you don't feel the satisfaction I'd imagine you'd feel by just being surrounded by the presence of your children. The feeling catches up with me easily; I keep myself busy, but behind all the busyness, I still feel empty. I miss my LJ and BB. I think about the 18-month old toddler LJ would now be. I think about how much messier yet full of life our house would be. I think about how frazzled and sleep-deprived I'd be. And I'd trade all of the "peace" and "couple time" and bit of extra spending money in our pockets in a second if I could see LJ now, read her a story at bedtime, play the piano and sing to her, even wipe the sticky strawberry juice from her chubby cheeks and fingers. And BB, who would've been due to join us outside the womb in less than a month, we'd talk to BB in my belly and await with anticipation LJ's brother's or sister's arrival. I'd give anything to be able to have these moments with my babies.

If I had to guess, I would admit that the lesson that I needed to learn most of all was to let go of my "sense" of being in control. Perhaps I merely needed to learn to plan less, to realize that this life is really out of my hands, and that I can only do the best I can with what I'm given. As I've written before, my life leading up to this point did little to help teach me this lesson. I became accustomed to thinking that planning, hard work, and dedication will produce the intended or desired results. I was used to achieving what I set out to do, and I'm sure I probably became a little self-righteous when I got what I wanted "all on my own": the grades, the job, the guy, the house, the cars...all of the things in life that I once imagined proved to the world that I was successful. Little did I know that true success is measured via an entirely different system. And that nothing that I've received in life was achieved "on my own." It is only by grace that I've been given the blessings in my life. And success isn't what you do for a living, or how much money you make, or what house you live in, or what "toys" you have. We've been richly blessed in these particular areas, but I would give any and all of it up in a second for another day with the babies I lost. Success is happiness. Success is family. Success is the simple things in life. Success is sticky fingers making a mess on your newly painted walls...because those little sticky fingers are a miracle.

LJ and BB, I visited your Great-Grandmother Beatrice's grave site while we were in Colorado last week, and as I talked to her through my tears, I thanked her for taking care of you both for me. Give her a big kiss for me, okay?

Oh my beautiful babies, I miss you every day. Thank you for the lessons you have helped teach me and I'm sure will continue to teach me, just by being a part of my life.

Love Always,
Mama