Within just the last few weeks, I've started to make myself imagine a life different from the one I have imagined consistently since childhood. When I was a little girl, I loved playing house. I always wanted to be the mommy--never the baby, and surely not the "teenager." I never felt comfortable unless I was the one doing the caregiving--not the one receiving. I loved making sure the others were well taken care of, the feeling of nurturing (okay, and maybe, just maybe, a little of the controlling part, too. ) I'm sure part of this stems from being the oldest daughter in my family of four siblings (and, even though I had an older brother, I was often called on to "be in charge" of the other three when my parents were out).

I think it is healthy for me to at least try to imagine a life for myself that doesn't include being a mother to children of my own. I'm not trying to sound as if I've lost all hope that I will get pregnant again some day, or be able to carry a child to term this time. I'm not saying that we'd never consider adoption, though many of the horror stories I've heard lately render me just as helpless feeling as now, without having any control over my "defective" body.

So, I'm trying to imagine what it would be like, not having children. Isn't it weird that I've honestly never even considered such a scenario? I think it is time to at least consider it. I'm learning that I am not strong enough--emotionally resilient enough--to carry out our fertility efforts for many more years to come. We have set a "deadline" of sorts for ourselves. If we aren't making any sort of recognizable progress this calendar year, we will be throwing in the towel on our efforts to conceive a child of our own (at least with a specialist's intervention). Three years, for me, is enough...if only because working with a specialist is so all-consuming, so time-consuming, that I cannot do it while not, at the same time, completely dwelling on it. For me, the two can never be mutually exclusive. And I don't want to spend more years of my life in this state of mind--being this disappointed, being this upset with myself.

A life without children wouldn't be so bad, right? I mean, lots of couples choose this route every day without batting an eyelash. So why is it so hard for me to envision? My writing career could begin in earnest...no excuses left not to truly "launch" my freelance writing career, as well as become the novelist I've always dreamt of! Think of all the vacations we could take, Drew and I, with that money we've been reserving for a family? We could be the cool, quirky aunt and uncle to our many nieces and nephews and pseudo nieces and nephews. Maybe seeing all of our brothers' and sisters' children and good friends' children on visits would be enough after all?

The future...the older I get, the more unsure I am about what it might hold. Makes you wonder how we could be so sure of it when we were young.

-Em