Ever since I started working in education last October, Drew has started to refer to the act of me going to work as "going to school." "Have a good day at school today!" he'll exclaim. Or, "No school for you today; it's a snow day!" It's kind of cute, and it's also kind of fun to think of my job as "going to school." Makes it more enjoyable to me, somehow (hard to imagine why, right?...y'all know I'm one of those people who'd be a perpetual student if I could afford to be...).

Anyway, I was "back at school" this week after my surgery. Monday started off a little rough, and I questioned my readiness to be back in the office only a week after surgery. My incisions and stitches were really bothering me, and the cramping pain that had slowly lessened while I was taking it easy the week before quickly returned as soon as I had to be up and moving around a lot. Luckily, I have made it through the week, with the majority of the pain culminating toward the end of the day, so that I can just go home and take it easy with some pain meds. I'm sure each day that comes will be a little easier. I have my post-op appointment scheduled for mid-March. I'm definitely on the road to healing and moving forward.

No major plans for us this weekend. My parents will be arriving Monday for a brief visit during my Dad's spring break, and we've got tickets to the musical Rent in GR with Becky and Abby next Wednesday night. I can't wait!

Have a good weekend.

-Em

You may have noticed some changes to the site. Besides some of the obvious, aesthetic changes (new colors, fonts, etc.), I am slowly going back and categorizing 3.5 years of blog entries. I'm probably only a quarter of the way done. What a dummy, right? I should have made some categories and filed each post accordingly all along. Lately, I've been itching to go back and read what I wrote on a certain topic over time (e.g., how I've felt during our ttc journey over the last two years). I have started to categorize all those crazy roller-coaster posts under either the 'Infertility' or 'Miscarriage' categories. Also, when I write a post that has a bit more meat on its bones (i.e., is more than just your run-of-the-mill "here's what we did this weekend" or "hey, check out this link" type of stuff), I will be saving it to the 'Writing' category, so that I'll have a better way of going back to look at my writing, over time, to see if it's getting any better, for instance (let's sure hope so, and that it continues to get better as I continue to 'practice'). Anyway, I'm sure you've noticed the changes, but I wanted to mention them here, and let you also know I'm still working on getting everything categorized. More categories will most likely be added, and more posts will be added to each archive as I have extra time to get back to it.

K, that's all for now. You can get on with your day...

-Em

Update: P.S. I almost forgot...I added a search function up in the top left corner of the page. So, even if not all of the blog posts have been categorized yet, at least one can search, right?

This morning, when I awoke, I opened up the bedroom door to see Molly and Sammy basking in the sun's slanted rays. Drew had gotten up early to go grocery shopping before Meijer got busy, and I decided to open up the shades in our darkened bedroom to let in the light while I watched "Meet the Press" (something about actually being interested in watching a show like this, or being an NPR junkie during my morning commute, or finally understanding the humor of the sitcom M.A.S.H. makes me feel very adult, I think to myself) and drank a cup of coffee. What surprised me is that when I opened the shades, I was startled to see so much snow on the ground. It's late February, sure. We had snow on the ground yesterday, sure. We probably have a good 4-6 weeks of winter left around these parts, sure. So, why the surprise?

For some reason, this year's winter has not seemed as bleak and depressing as the past couple of winter seasons. I think we have gotten a little more sunshine than is typical for us, sure, but it is more than that. I think that, in my mind, I have already entered my own "spring" of sorts. With the flipping of the calendar page from 2007--and that dreaded two-year anniversary, bittersweet in its happy celebration of our wedding day, yet saddening in its reminder of two years of trying to start a family without success, now behind us--I have felt as though we are starting fresh, entering a new season in our "trying to conceive" journey. This past week's surgery has also provided me with a lot of hope. A big obstacle has been removed (literally). Everything else looks normal. Even more than that, I have been succeeding more than ever in not letting the negative feelings overtake me. Sure, I still cry and feel sorry for myself, oh, about once a day. But, considering the circumstances (that I am continuously surrounded by co-workers, friends, and family members who are either pregnant or raising infants), I'm starting to gently remind myself that is okay. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to see the babies and be wistful for my own, or think about the precious one we lost last year. What isn't okay is to let that sadness morph into anger, jealousy, and bitterness. Of course, this happens. Of course it does. I am a flawed person, and for sure, I feel that whole range of emotions from time to time. But I think the difference is that I'm learning how to better manage my feelings, to channel them in the right direction.

I think, now more than ever, I need to focus on what is possible instead of what could go wrong, what could not happen. I guess, what I'm saying in a very non-direct, rambling way, is that I'm trying to have faith. Faith is not something I'm entirely comfortable with, I'm realizing. I've written before about how, in order to accomplish something or overcome an obstacle in the past, I've usually just needed to focus on it, and work hard, until I got where I wanted to go. I believe in the power of hard work. I do. But I'm also realizing it is just not enough in this life. I cannot control this life. I cannot plan where it is going to take me, though Lord knows I've tried over and over. There is simply nothing left to do but let go. I cannot do this myself. I cannot fix this on my own. This whole process is bigger than me, and more and more it is becoming clear to me that perhaps I was hand-picked to endure this particular hardship for a reason. Perhaps I'm supposed to be a comfort to someone else who is experiencing the same thing. Perhaps my ego needed to be knocked down a few notches (i.e., "See? You can't get an A+ in baby-making, now can ya? You cannot win or succeed at everything, no matter how hard you try...life will not be handed to you on a silver platter...milestones checked off your exhaustive list in the order you so meticulously planned. You are not the boss, applesauce, I am."). I have struggled with faith on and off for quite a few years now. Perhaps going through my divorce, and now struggling with infertility, is "someone's" way of saying, "Hey, you! Yes, YOU! I've been trying to get your attention, but you just keep ignoring me.What is it going to take for you trust me and relax? I have a plan."

Of course, I don't know this for sure. No one knows for sure why her life takes a certain turn, though it often becomes more clear after-the-fact. All I know right now is that, during these trials, I have turned to the comfort of prayer. I feel that there is someone up there listening to me, and I feel the strength to carry on a little longer...now, just a little longer...okay, just a little longer...welling up inside me.

Having faith and hope, through prayer, is the only thing that makes sense to me right now. And I am feeling that, perhaps, this is where I needed to end up in order to come to that determination.

-Em

Mothers are always right. I just read my Mom's comment to my last post, telling me not to over do it just because yesterday I was feeling less pain. I should've taken that advice a little earlier. I think I got a little carried away yesterday. I am paying for it today, and will need to revert to spending most of my time in bed. Time to reign it back in a little...I'm always too impatient to get back to normal, and the pain today is a gentle reminder that I am still far from there. I just e-mailed my boss to tell her I will plan to just come back Monday, instead of tomorrow.

-Em

I'm feeling a lot better today. The pain is being managed better by the pain meds. I seem to be able to move around a little easier. Sun is streaming in through the window, and I felt inspired to photograph the "Get Well" flowers sent by my parents and a few of my high school friends (pictures on the left; I also uploaded them to Flickr [Update: link now working] but they are having lots of issues right now, and I can't link out to my recently uploaded photos from here for the time being).

If I didn't sound as thankful as I should have in my last post--which I wrote while in a lot of pain, mind you--please know that, inside, I am jumping for joy. I am thrilled that things look normal "in there." I am thrilled that that cystic monstrosity is now gone. It's weird, because even though I have a lot of residual pain down in that area from the surgery, I can feel the void. I can tell the cyst is gone...and what a satisfying feeling of emptiness it is! The doctor said that after a few weeks of healing, we should be able to resume assisted baby-making activities. I think the mini-break will be good for me physically and emotionally, but I am also excited to start fresh. Let's hope this is the last major obstacle we'll encounter for a while...

-Em