It may not surprise you to hear that I've been feeling rather "ho-hum"--even Scrooge-ish, at times--about Christmas this year. This month marks our 3rd Wedding Anniversary, which Drew and I are extremely proud of and excited about, but it also marks our 3rd anniversary of trying to start a family, which lends a melancholy tinge to the entire event.

Earlier this month, while I was still miscarrying our second child, I had a brief moment of holiday spirit, thinking that if I surrounded myself with glowing, twinkly lights and the cozy beauty of a home decorated for the holidays, my spirits would lift--would cast aside our troubles and yet another year of disappointment and loss.

The moment didn't last long, however, and I soon just felt overwhelmed by my to-do list of finishing up my first semester of university teaching and keeping my head above water at Work #1. Since that brief moment of insanity, I have been slow and unenthusiastic about finishing my Christmas shopping, cards, etc. Usually, I listen to Christmas music--Diana Krall, Frank Sinatra, Michael Buble, James Taylor. This year, my CDs have sat in a pile, gathering dust.

This morning, on the very slow and slick drive to work after a two-hour delay, I found myself scanning the radio stations. For some reason, I stopped on the local station that has played Christmas music 24/7 since some insanely early date in November. I recognized James' voice, and I stopped to listen.

Though there are many different versions of the song 'Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas', I must admit that James Taylor's version is my absolute favorite (that's saying a lot, since I love Judy Garland's 'Meet Me in St. Louis' version, as well as Sinatra's). His interpretation is decidedly more melancholy than other versions, and perhaps that's why it caught my ear this morning.

Here is a portion of the lyrics and a video of him performing the song:

Christmas future is far away, Christmas past is past.
Christmas present is here today bringing joy that may last.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas, may your heart be light.
In a year our troubles will be out of sight.

From now on, have yourself a merry little Christmas, make the yuletide gay.
In a year our troubles will be miles away.

Here we are as in olden days, happy golden days of yore.
Precious friends who are dear to us gather near to us once more.

I know that in a year we all will be together, if the Fates allow.
Until then, we'll just have to muddle through somehow.
And have ourselves a merry little Christmas now.

Cause everybody knows... (etc.)

My wish for all of you this Christmas is that you can appreciate the now and the little joys tucked in among the news of friends and family losing jobs, of losing loved ones, of continuing to struggle, when it certainly feels like you've struggled more than your fair share lately.

As for us, our Christmas will be little, modest. We'll open the smallish presents we've decided to do this year, stuffed in the two lone stockings that hang, waiting so patiently for a third to join. We'll huddle close together, under the covers, trying to keep each other warm, trying to shelter one another from what life has thrown our way...trying to focus on on the little reminders of joy and hope, when they pop up, and pray for gracious blessings for us all in the New Year.

Happy Holidays, Everyone.

-Em and Drew