As you may have noticed, I haven't posted any updates on the whole infertility subject for a couple of months. I guess it was here that I said I wasn't quite sure if I want to do that, here anymore. And I think I'm still not really sure.

At the same time, I'm struggling here, finding myself up late alone on a Friday night--after a very long and exhausting week--and I have no place else to turn. Except here. Here is where I  usually let out all of these feelings--think out loud.

So, bear with me here. I'm not looking for sympathy or advice. I just need to clear my head. So, here goes...

We went to the doctor last week. It's the first time we've been there since May. We have had a few "trying" cycles since May, but as usual, we've had no luck. Some old story. It was time to go back and figure out a new gameplan. The appointment was good overall, I guess, and Drew and I left the office feeling a bit of hope. The only problem? Now I'm just feeling...like crap.

One of the first things the doctor talked about was the possibility that yes, okay, maybe I do have polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), after all. It was my initial diagnosis two years ago, one that this specialist originally wasn't sure of, but now now believes is "the closest we'll ever get to what's really wrong with you." Now, don't worry. She's not just basing this diagnosis on a feeling. When I had my whole slew of different blood tests during my infertility work-up (that month before we got pregnant with LJ), there were a couple of tests in which my hormone levels were borderline PCOS range. At the time, the doctor wasn't too concerned with those findings, because (da dada da!) I was pregnant. But now, after a miscarriage, surgery, and many, many more months of trying with and without the help of Clomid and HCG trigger shots, it is evident that there is something more at play.

So here's what we're doing. Step #1: make my cycles regular again. I've gotten to the point where I'm having cycles that are 45 days or longer, which is, well, bad. The doctor said there are multiple reasons why this may be occuring...whether it's that I'm ovulating crazy-late in my cycles, not ovulating at all (most likely, as with the ovulation predictors that we've used, we haven't detected evidence of it in the past several months), ovulating but the embryo is not implanting properly...the list goes on. To help get the cycles back to a "normal" length, I am now on Provera, a type of progesterone.

Step #2: I am on Metformin, which is a Type II Diabetes drug that I was on for several months back in late 2006 and early 2007. I don't have diabetes. And I'm not even borderline diabetic. So you can probably see why being on such a drug does not have the most pleasant side-effects. Back when I first was taking it, I struggled, and I am struggling again this time. I can't even tell you exactly why this drug is supposed to help me, but it somehow helps regulate hormone levels in women with PCOS. That's the upside (if it works). The downside is that the headaches, GI problems, and hypoglycemic episodes are pretty damn sucky.

Step #3: Time for another ultrasound! I swear that I've had more ultrasounds than most pregnant women by now. I went in for mine earlier this week, because I told my doctor I've been having abdominal pain on my lower left side again (where I had pain with my last cyst), and I was a little worried. The ultrasound technician I had is the same one I've always had since I've been a patient at this practice, which is good and bad. It is the same room in which I found out that LJ was no longer alive. It is the same room I saw the huge mother-of-cyst that took up residence last year around this time. I walked in, and I immediately felt a rush of emotions--mostly sad--wash over me. I tried to hold back  my tears as much as possible during the external and transvaginal ultrasounds, but I know the technician saw me crying. She kept pretty quiet and just said, "I'm so sorry you have to be in here again so soon. You poor thing." (Which, of course, didn't help the tears.) It probably would've been easier to get through if Drew had been with me, but he simply can't take off work all the time just because I'm now so medically "high maintenance." I won't have the final results of the ultrasound until my next appointment next week, but I wanted to scream when I saw my left ovary. I have seen my insides enough now to know cysts when I see them--and I saw two on my left ovary very clearly. I'm trying not to freak out before I hear what the doctor has to say. I'm trying not to "go there" as far as torturing myself over another surgery we can't afford. I'm hoping...that maybe I'm wrong. We'll just have to see.

In the midst of this exciting new drug cocktail, unpleasant side-effects, abdominal pain, and worrying about what new growths may or may not be twisting up my insides, I am trying to keep up with both jobs as best I can...but I feel like I am faltering. Like I mentioned earlier today to a friend...I wish I could just fall asleep for a couple of months...and wake up with my to-do list taken care of and my body healthy--for once.

-Em