Today was supposed to be such an exciting day. I was all ready to make some calls to those who did not yet know, announce it on our blog, then follow it all up next week with our official announcement at work. At my appointment on Tuesday, my doctor put my due date at January 30th, making me 11--almost 12--weeks along. Almost through the risky first trimester. Ready to make it public, even if my belly (getting big so early!) had maybe already made it public before we actually spoke the words:

When we found out, at the very beginniing of June, that we were pregnant, I took five different home pregnancy tests to confirm before we got two different blood tests back from the lab:

Then, today we were supposed to see you for the first time, in an early ultrasound. Your daddy patted my belly this morning, kissed me, and said, "We get to see our little LJ today." We had taken to calling you LJ, which stood for Lucy/Jack, depending on if we were having a boy or girl. But the ultrasound went too fast. The technician was finished, but had never mentioned you, showed us you, the way we knew they should. Your daddy asked her if anything was wrong, but she said she'd have to run some things by the radiologist and my doctor. She led me to the nearest restroom to empty my bladder, and as I closed the door, I heard an unearthly moan come out of my own mouth. Before I knew it, I was holding onto the sink for dear life, out of breath, and unbelieving of what it all meant.

We sat in the waiting room for over an hour, your daddy holding me while I cried shamefully in front of everyone. Finally, one of the office ladies took pity on us and let us move into a somewhat more private area, and she gave us our own box of tissue. A call came through to the phone sitting beside us, from one of the nurses in my doctor's office upstairs in the hospital. She said we needed HCG blood tests today and Monday, and my doctor would have to see me Monday. She asked if I had any questions, but all that came out of my mouth were sobs. She asked if we needed to come upstairs and speak with her in person. I managed a 'yes' somehow.

Upstairs, she hugged me and told me she was so sorry. Already knowing the answer to the question, I needed to hear the words spoken nonetheless, so I whispered, "Did our baby die?" She said yes, the baby showed no signs of life in the ultrasound...no heartbeat, and it wasn't as big as it should've been at 12 weeks. We left the office and were only a few steps down the hall before more unearthly wails somehow escaped from my mouth.

Today was going to be such an exciting day. We were so excited to say "hello" to you for the first time. Instead, we've been spending today saying goodbye.

We'll always love you, LJ...we'll never forget you, our first child, and we'll forever be saddened at missing the opportunity to watch you grow into the amazing human being we know you would have become.

-Mama and Papa