As I was growing up, I learned quickly that "focus" was the key to getting where I wanted to go. Focus allowed me to get straight A's in school. Focus allowed me to learn to play the piano and violin, starting at age 10. Focus even allowed me to improve enough in sports in high school to become a starter on the volleyball team my senior year (and those of you who know my coordination level know that is quite the feat ). Those four years of sitting the bench, splinters and all, and the focus...practice...unwillingness to quit...worked to my advantage in the end. Focus allowed me to condense my undergraduate college years from four to three. And, conversely, it helped me expand my graduate college years from two to four.  (Hey, I had to lapse somewhere, right?)

What focus really allowed me to do was achieve what I wanted for myself. Focus, hardwork, and determination were all I needed to get where I wanted to go.

Until now.

Now...focus cannot help me. Now...focus seems to hinder me more than help. I receive advice from both camps--the focusers and non-focusers--and I still don't know which side to embrace as my own in my current challenge. "Once you stop focusing on it, it'll happen." "If you put all your energy into this, think positively, and leave no stone unturned, it'll happen."

I've tried both.

I've focused on researching everything everyone else with my condition is doing/has done. I've focused our energy on doing everything "just right" to increase our chances--multiple drugs, timing, temperatures, everything. I've convinced myself "I am" when (later, I find out) "I'm not," just to give the power of positive thinking a chance. (But then I'm just back where I've left off: depressed and bitter and not knowing how to approach next month.)

I've also put it out of my mind completely. We've gone on vacation. We've ceased talking about our would-be family as if it's a tangible thing. We've thrown ourselves into our work.

I'm not sure what's next. I'm not sure how to get there. I'm not sure how to succeed without focusing. It's not in my nature--my obsessive, hard-working, you-can-do-anything-you-set-your-mind-to nature.

How can I reconcile my inability to succeed at this? At the only thing in life that actually "matters" to me--the only thing I knew from a young age I was meant to do? Do I roll up my sleeves and continue to focus my energy on it, or do I take a break from it and hope for a miracle?

If I can't achieve this one thing, how will it affect the rest of my life? What if I--the mini-mommy to all my siblings growing up, all of my friends--never actually get to experience being a real one?

I'm really afraid of that answer.

-Em