Drew here.

WIth the weather getting nicer, the number of household chores increasing, and the plethora of other things going on ...   more »

Today I bought my sister a very personal gift for the personal bridal shower I'm throwing her this coming weekend. As I stood in Victoria's Secret, it hit me like a ton of bricks: in just over a month, my little baby sister will be a married woman. A MARRIED woman. A WOMAN who is MARRIED to a man, people. Who no longer needs me to lull her to sleep with made-up Strawberry Shortcake stories at bedtime.

Is it weird to cry while shopping for lingerie?

-Em

As I was growing up, I learned quickly that "focus" was the key to getting where I wanted to go. Focus allowed me to get straight A's in school. Focus allowed me to learn to play the piano and violin, starting at age 10. Focus even allowed me to improve enough in sports in high school to become a starter on the volleyball team my senior year (and those of you who know my coordination level know that is quite the feat ). Those four years of sitting the bench, splinters and all, and the focus...practice...unwillingness to quit...worked to my advantage in the end. Focus allowed me to condense my undergraduate college years from four to three. And, conversely, it helped me expand my graduate college years from two to four.  (Hey, I had to lapse somewhere, right?)

What focus really allowed me to do was achieve what I wanted for myself. Focus, hardwork, and determination were all I needed to get where I wanted to go.

Until now.

Now...focus cannot help me. Now...focus seems to hinder me more than help. I receive advice from both camps--the focusers and non-focusers--and I still don't know which side to embrace as my own in my current challenge. "Once you stop focusing on it, it'll happen." "If you put all your energy into this, think positively, and leave no stone unturned, it'll happen."

I've tried both.

I've focused on researching everything everyone else with my condition is doing/has done. I've focused our energy on doing everything "just right" to increase our chances--multiple drugs, timing, temperatures, everything. I've convinced myself "I am" when (later, I find out) "I'm not," just to give the power of positive thinking a chance. (But then I'm just back where I've left off: depressed and bitter and not knowing how to approach next month.)

I've also put it out of my mind completely. We've gone on vacation. We've ceased talking about our would-be family as if it's a tangible thing. We've thrown ourselves into our work.

I'm not sure what's next. I'm not sure how to get there. I'm not sure how to succeed without focusing. It's not in my nature--my obsessive, hard-working, you-can-do-anything-you-set-your-mind-to nature.

How can I reconcile my inability to succeed at this? At the only thing in life that actually "matters" to me--the only thing I knew from a young age I was meant to do? Do I roll up my sleeves and continue to focus my energy on it, or do I take a break from it and hope for a miracle?

If I can't achieve this one thing, how will it affect the rest of my life? What if I--the mini-mommy to all my siblings growing up, all of my friends--never actually get to experience being a real one?

I'm really afraid of that answer.

-Em 

I added some more photos to last week's album (I'm starting you out on the first of the new bunch). Nothing too exciting here--just a few shots around the house. We replaced the hardware on our kitchen cabinets as well as our dining room chandelier. The rest are pictures shot in the same general vicinity of the house. It has been a pretty low-key, quiet three-day weekend for us. Yup, we had Good Friday off of work. We were glad for the extra day off to bask in all the wondrous, beautiful snow and frigid temperatures mourn the loss of the warm weather and first flowers of spring, now buried under several inches of snow. We've reverted to the not-so-long-forgotten winter hibernation tendencies of staying inside: cooking, cleaning, playing with the girls, and planning our next home improvements...

1) our long-awaited privacy fence this spring (yes, that means that, at the end of this month when our six month contract when our realtor is up, we'll be taking the house off the market)

2) new countertops, tile, and appliances for the kitchen (most likely later this year or next year at this time)

3) new living room carpeting and entry way tile (next year)

4) a new washer and dryer (hopefully our old ones will last until next year, too)

Well, I'm off to enjoy what little time we have left before the end of the long weekend. Hope you are doing the same.

-Em

Here are a few photos from playing with the Nikon this past weekend.

-Em