I wanted to make sure I shared some good things that helped lift my spirits this weekend. First, I attended my new work team's holiday party on Friday night. It was held at the Lakeshore Bed and Breakfast, and we got to see the sunset over Lake Michigan...spectacular! We had a Secret Santa gift exchange among the HR/Communications staff, and I think the gift I gave (a Dwight Schrute Bobblehead) was a hit.

Saturday, despite crazy cold and lake-effect snow (and Drew being sick), we ventured out to brave the crazy holiday shopping traffic. The good news is that my Christmas shopping is now officially done. That night we watched the latest Harry Potter movie on DVD (we hadn't seen it in the theatres yet). For some reason, Drew was under the impression it was the "final" Harry Potter movie, because at the end he said, "Well, that was disappointing..." I asked why, and he grumbled about a certain someone not dying, etc., after which I had to remind him that there are still two more to go.

Sunday was laundry, bills, cleaning, and starting to get ready for our trip to Washington. We fly out to Seattle on Friday, then we'll drive to Yakima on Saturday to spend Christmas with Blaise, Nicole, Alex, Conor, and my Mom and Dad (they are taking the train out from Fargo). I am a little sad we won't be able to see Becky and her husband Justin or Phil and his girlfriend Abbi, but hopefully we'll all be able to get together in one place one of these days.

Sunday night, I talked to Kate on the phone for a couple hours, and I hung up the phone feeling a lot less focused on my own troubles. It is good to have distractions to aid in making the current disappointments and obstacles seem less daunting.

Updates on the infertility front are: 1) another negative HCG blood test last Thursday, 2) another one scheduled for this Thursday (c'mon doc, really? This is starting to seem excessive), and 3) another ultrasound scheduled for Thursday to check up on the cyst before we go ahead with scheduling surgery.

-Em

I just tried to go to sleep. I put my laptop away, told Sammy and Molly it was time to go "nigh-nigh," then padded into the bedroom, where Drew was already laying down, watching TV. I climbed into bed and snuggled with him for a while. He fell asleep spooning me, and I laid there, blinking in the dark, listening to him snore in my ear. I had to wake him up briefly to escape his grasp. I grabbed my book and came back out to the living room to read and drink a glass of milk. Both have been known to help me evade insominia a time or two before.

I just read these words:

"...I took a new idea with me: compassion. I asked my heart if it could please infuse my soul with a more generous perspective on my mind's workings. Instead of thinking that I was a failure, could I perhaps accept that I am only a human being--and a normal one, at that? The thoughts came up as usual--OK, so it will be--and then the attendant emotions rose, too. I began feeling frustrated and judgmental about myself, lonely and angry. But then a fierce response boiled up from somewhere in the deepest caverns of my heart, and I told myself, "I will not judge you for these thoughts."  -Elizabeth Gilbert, from Eat, Pray, Love

They were a comfort to me--and quite pertinent after my post of only an hour ago. It seems I continually beat myself up for my thoughts lately. Maybe it's just completely fruitless to do that, because are we really able to control them? Am I doing my body more harm by trying to fight against them more, instead of just thinking them when they enter my mind? I think it is a good sign that I sit here and brood and obsess about the "possibility" of still being pregnant. Even with the negative test results of last week, I guess I still must have some glimmer of hope. It's good to have hope, but I think I fight so hard against any of these thoughts, because they have betrayed me so often in the past. Why hope? Hope only leads to disappointment. Yet it still pops up--still comes back, with a vengeance, after I punched it down.

Maybe I should just embrace the hope I feel now, until I get the next set of test results, then embrace the disappointment and sadness I feel when I receive them. Embrace each emotion as it comes, based on the current situation, and not try to squelch it. I've been feeling such a need to "protect" myself against hurt and disappointment that I think I am starting to make myself sick. And is it really worth it, anyway? Am I really any less sad or disappointed if I hadn't had any hope? Not really. I feel bad either way.

I guess there's no way to protect myself from feeling devastation. I want to make the pain go away and not come back, but I have to come to terms with the fact that it just isn't possible. I can't remember what I was reading or watching the other day, but a quote I "heard" really resonated with me, "These are the cards you were dealt, so just play your hand." Maybe the cards I was dealt are not what I would have preferred. Maybe these cards aren't going to allow me to get where I've always wanted to go in life--toward being a parent. But, I have to deal with them. It hasn't been an easy journey so far, but there are others out there whose journey has been even more wrought with difficulty than mine has.

I need to play this hand the best way I know how. But I guess what is difficult is that I don't know how. I'm learning as I go. And I guess, through this, I need to have more patience with myself. What a hard balance to find...I go back and forth between self-loathing for being so self-involved right now and remembering I need to practice self-love and patience because I'm so fragile emotionally right now. I wish I knew how I was doing.

For now? More reading, before I try this sleeping thing once more.

-Em

I haven't posted in nearly a week, so I figured I should probably post something, even though I'm not feeling particularly inspired. I'm trying hard not to get back into going weeks at a time without posting, which is sooo tempting after a month of posting (almost) every day. Why does it seem to be an all or nothing thing with me?

Anywho, I took an HCG blood test last Thursday, and it was negative. The doctor is having me repeat it again this Thursday, to be safe, and of course now I feel as though I am experiencing pregnancy symptoms...the continued "tired" feeling, sore breasts, etc. I am sure it is all in my head, but why do they all seem so real? I wish my mind wouldn't do this to me...I hate my obsessive personality...not being able to just have patience and say "Que Sera Sera."

The last few times I've been into the doctor, my blood pressure has been really high. No one has seemed particularly concerned, so I don't know if it just goes up because I'm at the doctor and I get nervous, or what. It is rather bothersome to me, whatever the case may be. I hate feeling as though my health is getting worse, instead of better.

I need to stop obsessing. I've been doing yoga almost every day to help calm my mind and body, but it's hard to say whether or not it's working. I still obsess. I still have a hard time sleeping. Do I need to get on medication to help level out all my anxiety and obsessions?

Yeah, so these are the things that've been taking up most of my thoughts the past several days. Phew. I guess it feels better to just write them down.

Maybe now I can stop obsessing?

-Em

Today!

Hallelujah!

You don't even know how much I needed to see some sunshine today... that is one of the bad things about living in this area of Michigan. During the winter months, we have the least sunshine of, like, anywhere. No really, it's true. I'm not gonna go digging for, ya know, actual data to support this statement, but I have heard it said (anecdotally) again and again by fellow Western Michiganders and weather people, that we oft (ha! oft.) have record numbers of consecutive days without sunshine.

And, if you're someone like me, you feel the sun's absence indubitably. We really needed a break from the gray.

Now I wish I could just leave work to go soak it up, since the sun will be setting as I leave later this evening. Or...maybe I should just bombard my boss' corner office for the afternoon (she's out today). And because, well...she's got a window.

-Em

No matter how much I sleep, I just can't seem to feel rested these past several days. I have a sore throat today, but other than that, I don't really feel that bad. Just tired. I'm taking my daily vitamins, drinking a lot of OJ, and eating chicken soup (I made some from scratch on Saturday...yum!). Anyway, I think I'm doing everything "right," so hopefully this complete lack of energy (I can't even call it sickness) goes away soon.

-Em