...from vacation. Actually, we have been for a few days, but my goodness, I have been trying to avoid the computer like the plague. After being completely away from it for a few days, I had NO desire whatsoever to re-connect. We are back at work this week, and the motivation still hasn't seemed to kick in (I'll speak for myself...Drew's seems fine, as he's been working long hours since we returned and will continue to do so through September). Hey, so...it's August, did you know? The college classes I'm teaching this fall start at the end of the month....eep! I'm nervous...and still have a lot to do to prepare...so just a heads up that posting 'round here will continue to be light.

But enough of the jumbled mess currently running through my mind. We went on vacation last week! That is a more interesting topic. We drove up to the U.P. and spent a few days in Houghton. While we were there, we had some good family time with my parents, brother Phil and his girlfriend Abbi, and sister Becky and her husband Justin, out at the Kuiper's beach on Misery Bay (I swam in Lake Superior for the first time in, probably, eight or nine years!); visited McClain State park (where my parents were camping) and ate some yummy campfire-cooked food and learned to play Rook; bummed around downtown Houghton and bought Columbia jackets for 50% off at Surplus Outlet (score!); ate creamy onion au gratin soup at the Library; ate tostada and garlic/broccoli/chicken pizza at Ambassador; visited my alma mater's campus...the list goes on. We had planned to do some Copper Country Cruisin' on our last day, but we were rained out.

I posted a new photo album of pictures from the Yoop as well as a few of the nieces and nephew at the family wedding (Drew's side) this past weekend (click on one of the 'Recent Photos' on the left).

-Em 

I am playing a bit of catch-up with posting photos. The 'Recent Photos' on the left include the few I took during my D.C. conference, the West Michigan Whitecaps baseball game we went to with our friends Becky and Abby last Saturday, and a couple other stragglers from around the house.

Did I mention they're all taken on our new camera? I fell in love with my sister's Canon PowerShot SD1000 when she was visiting last month, and I've been wanting a new point-and-shoot. This will be a great alternative for times when we just don't feel like carrying the Nikon DSLR and associated gear around with us.

Anyway, okay. I feel a little more caught-up now.

Have a great weekend!

-Em

I made it back safely from my conference in D.C. Wow, what a trip! I am completely exhausted. It was go, go, go the entire time, and I slept 4-5 hours each night, so I became progressively more drained as the days went by. But, I learned a lot, networked a lot, got to know my co-workers on a more personal level, and had a lot of fun. I wish I would've had some more time to sight-see while I was there, but this just means we'll have a perfect excuse to go visit Becky and Abby after they move.

-Em

I have been asked by many of you about how I'm doing...since our most recent disappointment during this baby-making journey. I am OK. I'm sorry if I worried anyone. I wasn't doing so good for a while, but I have (mostly) turned the corner and am picking myself back up and moving on. Yes, we are taking a break from fertility treatments...we need to regroup emotionally and financially...all of this has taken a huge toll in both areas. We are still paying for my surgery in February (shit, that was expensive), not to mention the procedures that've been done since. My goodness, the bills. We were really hoping that having that cyst removed from my fallopian tube would be the key to enabling us to become pregnant, but that just hasn't been the case. It is disappointing for sure, and leads us back to believing that, again, there is more that's wrong with me.

I just wanted you all to know that we are alive, keeping very busy with work (I will be teaching my first university-level technical and business writing classes this fall, so I am busy developing those courses), and trying to just enjoy our summer. I love West Michigan in the summer...feels almost like we don't need to take a vacation elsewhere!

Hope this finds you all well.

-Em

I read this passage from a post on A Glow in the Woods today and found myself relating to it all too well. Here's an excerpt:

"I read Deborah Davis’ Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby about 4-6 weeks after Maddy died.  I found it . . . redundant.  I guess it was nice knowing I didn’t exist in a void, but confirming that I’d be feeling . . . exactly what I was feeling?  Thanks?  I guess?

But there was a gem in there that helped me significantly, and rolls around in my head to this day.  I’m sorry I can’t quote it verbatim because I sent off my book to another grieving mom, but it went something like this:  it’s actually a good thing that the major decisions we make during the time from hell are made while we’re sleep deprived and loopy and trying to juggle a million different balls and exhausted from crying because that way, they come from the gut.  Davis suggests that it’s a good thing we don’t over-think the major decisions, and that instead, because of our circumstances, they come from somewhere subconscious rather than based on intellectual reasoning."

I have often wondered how much LJ's death influenced the major life decision I made last year to resign from my job of 6+ years. I do remember--after finally returning to work after the long road to healing--thinking "this can't go on for much longer." All the stupid shit that plagued my thoughts every day ("Are people following the process?" "Are people reading the documentation?" Will anyone attend this UCD session?" "And who the eff cares, anyway?") seemed completely insignificant in the grand scheme of things. I knew that I needed a new career--a new life--in which I felt like I was making a difference and helping people. Though I am not in a classroom with students every day, working in education has been more rewarding than I could've ever imagined. People's gratitude for an article I've written to publicize their role/work, a program, or an event amazes me. Not only do I get to really, truly write every day, but people appreciate that I do my job. Imagine! Being thanked, regularly, for doing what you get paid to do. Imagine! Getting pulled aside by co-workers who "just wanted to tell you that news release was fantastic." Some days it doesn't seem real; it seems almost too good to be true: I get to do what I enjoy, and people are grateful for it. How is this possible?

When I resigned in October, I felt a lot of mixed emotions. It would be weird not working at the same company as Drew anymore (he has since left for a different company, though, too, so no biggie there, anymore). I never quite accomplished all that I hoped I could at that company (though I am realizing getting re-orged every couple of years made that nearly impossible, anyway). I didn't want to leave my colleagues high and dry (they hired a replacement relatively quickly, and from what I hear, she is probably a better fit in that position than I ever was in the first place). As time has gone by, all of these unsettling feelings have been put to rest. Things have worked out. For the better. On both sides. I am a happier person. I don't hate my job.

Why does it sometimes take a tragedy for us to have the rawness of emotion--or is it just the courage?--needed to make the difficult decisions? I think part of me must have felt as though, "My God, I somehow survived the loss of a child, why the hell couldn't I survive a job change?"

I guess I can thank my LJ for that. Thank you, little one, for giving Mama courage.

-Em