It's been a while since I posted an update on what's going on with us, fertility-wise. Last I mentioned, we were waiting on the final set of results from the tests ordered by our Reproductive Endocrinologist to determine if there is a discernible cause for my recurrent miscarriages.

The chromosomal tests both Drew and I took were the last piece of the puzzle, and after waiting several weeks for the results, those too came back normal. What great news!

We had a follow-up appointment with the doctor last week to discuss the results and whether or not we would like to move forward with any assisted reproductive therapy, and it was a much different experience from the first time around. I wonder if he could sense that we were pretty much ready to throw in the towel on all of the testing, meds, and invasive rigmarole. I wonder if early morning appointments are just bound to be more productive, because everyone is fresh and less frazzled than they are by late afternoon. I wonder if he could see that, with every word I spoke, I tried not to let the tears spill over from exhaustion, frustration, and sadness. Whatever the reason, the doctor was patient with us. He explained that although they couldn't find any particular reason that I continue to miscarry in their testing, his hunch is that my PCOS and the resultant hormonal craziness and erratic cycles makes for eggs that are, in general, of poorer quality. That's not to say that I'm not capable of producing decent eggs. It just sounds like, when the hormones aren't working together in just the right way (it's such a fragile system that if one thing is "off," it affects a whole slew of other things down the line), an egg might not mature quite as much as it could have, and even if the egg becomes fertilized, it has less of a chance of being a viable pregnancy because the conditions weren't quite right. It also leads to the lower progesterone levels both of my doctors have noted, which have also been shown to lead to miscarriages.

With those things in mind, the doctor's recommendation was for us to move forward with the Follistim (FSH) injectables cycle we discussed during our first consultation. I shared my reservations about starting down this path a while back, but I must say that after learning more about this particular practice's philosophies and policies (our doctor himself wrote an article for the clinic's newsletter that addressed the controversy over the "Octo-Mom" situation and explained how and why that situation would never occur there, partly because of his own affiliation with a Christian fertility organization), he really set us at ease.

After hours of discussion and praying for direction, the decision seemed to almost make itself as we sat and spoke with the doctor. After hearing his recommendation, I felt very strongly in my heart (much to my surprise) that moving forward with his suggested regimen was the right thing to do. I was instantly nervous, however, as Drew and I had not gone into the appointment with this potential shift in directions having been discussed ahead of time. But when I looked over at Drew to try to gauge his reaction and thoughts, he was already five steps ahead of me. While he was the one completely overwhelmed during our first appointment with the fertility specialist (formerly known as, and unfairly named "Dr. Soup-Nazi" by me), this time, he was the one barreling forward. He was already discussing dosages of the medication and planning things out in his head.

A smile crept onto my lips. I felt like I could burst with happiness! We were both on the same page, and we both wanted to do everything in our power to give this a shot! It was going to cost us a lot of money, sure, but now was the time. We may only be able to afford a couple cycles, but we had to give this a try...

And, so, here we are. We started the Follistim injections last week, Wednesday. Drew has done a great job giving me a shot in the stomach every night, and I have even gotten used to the shots themselves (if not so much the bloating, headaches, and hot flashes). I had a follow-up ultrasound this morning, and though I don't have any follicles that are yet considered "mature," we increased the injection dosage for the next three days, and I'll go back in for another ultrasound Thursday morning to see if any of the follicles have made progress. Once we have at least one that looks promising, we'll do an Ovidrel (HCG) "trigger" shot to finish the final maturation of the follicle and "encourage" the egg(s) to release.

Please, keep us in your thoughts and prayers over the next few weeks. Despite the intense regimen, we are both feeling hopeful right now. It feels good to truly feel like we're doing all we can to help our chances of conceiving and having it be a successful (viable) pregnancy. At least, if we get to the end of what we can afford and haven't been successful, we won't have to wonder "What if?...."

-Em

Afterwards, I went back to bed…too scared to sit and wait for the result myself. He checked the test for me. Negative, again. He broke the bad news to me gently, held me, said he was sorry. Inside, all I could think was, “No, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’ve failed again at making you a Father. I so wanted to have a special present for you this Father’s Day.”

He responded to my thoughts before I could even utter them aloud.

“As far as I'm concerned, we've got two beautiful children waiting for us in heaven, and in my mind, they are the best kids ever. They may not be with us physically, but I'm still fortunate to have had even the few weeks we did with each of them. So, I am a Daddy and you are a Mommy to our two beautiful kids, and we are good parents because we still love them, always will…”

He had to stop then, as the tears came.

This weekend, I want to wish you a Happy Father’s Day, Drew. Even on this day when it feels impossible to be happy.

Thank you for loving us so deeply,

Mama, LJ, and BB (and Molly and Sammy, too)