You might've noticed a definite lack of "trying to conceive" posts as of late. Since this, really. How astute of you. I've been holding off posting this cycle -- for the past two weeks especially -- while we were waiting to find out if our maximum strength Clomid and Ovulation Predictor Kit efforts paid off. Despite many, many days of "feeling pregnant," (read: like shit), we found out definitively today that we are not. We are sad, as we always are when we find this out. The negatives, oh how they abound in this household...in home pregnancy tests, blood tests at the lab. No. NO. NO, DUMBASS. NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I'm sorry. I need to hold it together a little better, don't I? Today has been a rough day. I saw the telling signs of blood (almost two weeks late), and it was all I could do to hold it together during photo ops at work. Luckily (yes, luckily), the sad feelings are somewhat lessened because of my doctor's willingness to step it up and kick ASS just when I need her to.

As always, we have a plan. This cycle, the plan is our most stringent yet. And most expensive yet, since our new insurance covers ZERO of our infertility costs. Bye, bye, stimulus check...bye, bye tax return....bye, bye savings account. By the end of this saga, even if we do get pregnant, we won't be able to afford to HAVE the child!

Here is the plan:

1) Start another max dose of Clomid on CD 3 (through CD 7), which starts Sunday.

2) Start self-injectable Follistim (FSH shots), which is on par with giving myself insulin shots every day.

3) Have transvaginal ultrasound on CD 13 to see if follicles have matured.

4) Based on ultrasound information, move forward with Intrauterine Insemination (IUI).

So, there you go. TMI for many of you, I'm sure. Don't read me wrong above. I'm not bitter, but I'm not happy, either. I'm mostly just feeling very sad and sorry for myself at the moment. (Helpful, I know...) This is not the worst news ever; I know that. And it is nice to have yet another plan. I operate better when there's a plan. Who am I kidding? I am unable to operate AT ALL unless there is a plan. At least I have that, right? A plan? Who needs a child when there's a PLAN?

Please pray extra hard for us this cycle. We won't be able to afford to do this all that much longer...

-Em

***Edited to add: A friend just asked me how I'm feeling...mentally/emotionally. I guess I am feeling a bit angry at the moment, and I'm sure that came across in this post. I apologize for that tone. So much has happened in one day. I think I just need some time to grieve and gear up for yet another exhausting cycle. I still have hope...and faith. And a plan (did I mention that?).