Fine. You win, infertility. You've beaten me down yet again, hard. Some couples can endure this for 10 years, 5 years...I guess my breaking point is 2.5 years.

I'm out.

-Em

Yesterday, I left work a little early to stop by my doctor's office for the FSH injections. When I arrived, the receptionist told me she'd tell the nurse I was here, then proceeded to pack up, close the glass door, lock it, and leave. The other receptionist did the same. I sat there in the waiting room, um, waiting, and there was silence surrounding me. The place was deserted. I started panicking, mildly. "Oh no," I thought. "The receptionist forgot to tell the nurse who's supposed to administer the injections that I'm here, and we'll miss our chance. This has to be done today, now. Oh no!" I tried to calm down and concentrate on a magazine, repeating to myself that I had not been forgotten. I thought back to yesterday's office visit, during which Drew and I sat in the examining room for more than an hour and a half before the doctor came in to do the ultrasound. I had begun to lose hope then, as well. Was so frustrated sitting there, on the cold examining table. It couldn't be prevented--the doctor was called into a delivery--and the nurse had been instructed to make us wait there for her to arrive, because, again, timing is crucial.

Finally, I saw a nurse peek her head out the door. I've never been so happy to be called into that dreaded examining room. She apologized profusely and prepared the crazy-long needles. I assumed "the position" and received the dreadful pokes. "Damn!" I was yelling in my head. "Hold it together...don't cry....you've gone through this before."

It still freakin' hurt. It still hurts now. Damn. No matter how hard I try, or psyche myself up beforehand, I cannot get used to all of this. The crazy drugs. Needles upon needles upon needles. The cold, hard examining table.

Right now, I am praying that we'll be successful so that I won't have to experience all of this again next month. Next month, the doctor said, it'll be even worse. More drugs, more ultrasounds (one every few days), even more shots. Please...let this be it.

Because it just hurts so much.

-Em

I saw the egg. It was just chillin' out there in the follicle, waiting. Waiting to mature just a little bit more, waiting to be released and travel through the fallopian tube. The doctor showed us both the egg on the ultrasound screen, and measured the lining of my uterus as well. I go back in tomorrow for FSH injections, one in each hip, to get that little egg to (hopefully) release and start its journey. For many, the presence of an egg within the ovary is nothing special...it is something that happens like clock-work every 28 days or so. For me, even without knowing for sure whether or not we'll conceive this cycle, it feels like a miracle. Could this little egg we saw today be a potential baby? In a few weeks' time, will it be an embryo...a few weeks after that, a fetus? I am so excited, so hopeful...so desperately wishing that this is our second chance. If it doesn't happen, we will try again next month. We will grieve for a few days, then pick ourselves up and try one more time. I don't want to think about that right now, though. Right now...I'm going to revel in the knowledge that I have an egg. And hope and pray with all my might that all the drugs and shots do what they're supposed to.

-Em

Since receiving the "plan" from my doctor at the end of last week, I've been researching where to get the self-injectable FSH shots, sans insurance, at the best cost. On one fertility drug web site, I came across this page. I thought it might be helpful to link to it here, because it provides good insight into the feelings of infertile couples, from different perspectives.

I fail so often at writing coherently about the subject (hmmm...perhaps I'm a little too close to it to be objective?) Hopefully this helps you, fertiles and infertiles alike, better understand what it's like.

-Em

You might've noticed a definite lack of "trying to conceive" posts as of late. Since this, really. How astute of you. I've been holding off posting this cycle -- for the past two weeks especially -- while we were waiting to find out if our maximum strength Clomid and Ovulation Predictor Kit efforts paid off. Despite many, many days of "feeling pregnant," (read: like shit), we found out definitively today that we are not. We are sad, as we always are when we find this out. The negatives, oh how they abound in this household...in home pregnancy tests, blood tests at the lab. No. NO. NO, DUMBASS. NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I'm sorry. I need to hold it together a little better, don't I? Today has been a rough day. I saw the telling signs of blood (almost two weeks late), and it was all I could do to hold it together during photo ops at work. Luckily (yes, luckily), the sad feelings are somewhat lessened because of my doctor's willingness to step it up and kick ASS just when I need her to.

As always, we have a plan. This cycle, the plan is our most stringent yet. And most expensive yet, since our new insurance covers ZERO of our infertility costs. Bye, bye, stimulus check...bye, bye tax return....bye, bye savings account. By the end of this saga, even if we do get pregnant, we won't be able to afford to HAVE the child!

Here is the plan:

1) Start another max dose of Clomid on CD 3 (through CD 7), which starts Sunday.

2) Start self-injectable Follistim (FSH shots), which is on par with giving myself insulin shots every day.

3) Have transvaginal ultrasound on CD 13 to see if follicles have matured.

4) Based on ultrasound information, move forward with Intrauterine Insemination (IUI).

So, there you go. TMI for many of you, I'm sure. Don't read me wrong above. I'm not bitter, but I'm not happy, either. I'm mostly just feeling very sad and sorry for myself at the moment. (Helpful, I know...) This is not the worst news ever; I know that. And it is nice to have yet another plan. I operate better when there's a plan. Who am I kidding? I am unable to operate AT ALL unless there is a plan. At least I have that, right? A plan? Who needs a child when there's a PLAN?

Please pray extra hard for us this cycle. We won't be able to afford to do this all that much longer...

-Em

***Edited to add: A friend just asked me how I'm feeling...mentally/emotionally. I guess I am feeling a bit angry at the moment, and I'm sure that came across in this post. I apologize for that tone. So much has happened in one day. I think I just need some time to grieve and gear up for yet another exhausting cycle. I still have hope...and faith. And a plan (did I mention that?).