Well, the first HCG blood test I took last week was negative, then this week, on the day I was planning to go back to the lab for my second HCG quant, my period started. After calling and talking to my doctor's nurse, we agreed that we could skip the second HCG quant, the progesterone to induce a period (duh), and start right on Clomid on CD (cycle day) 5, which turns out to be Saturday.

So, things are moving along. I keep swinging back and forth between being happy that I actually. started. my. period. on. my. own. and being very sad (because, obviously, we aren't pregnant). It was silly to even hold out any hope that we would be, but despite everything, I still always get my hopes up, only to be disappointed. Now that we are out of our holding pattern again, I am instantly drained at the thought of drugs and shots and everything that goes along with it...and we haven't even started yet!

Wish me luck over the next several days as I start on the devil drug again (wish Drew luck as well...he'll need it).

-Em

This afternoon I had my post-operation appointment with my doctor. She removed the stitches from my three incisions, showed me pictures of the cyst (holy COW, was that thing scary-looking...no wonder why I was in pain!), asked how I've been feeling since surgery (much better, now that I don't have a huge round thing smooshing everything around in there), talked about "next steps," and ordered blood work for me for today and next week.

Here's the plan, for those interested:

1) HCG blood test today (check)  -- check for pregnancy

2) HCG blood test a week from today -- check again for pregnancy if last week's was negative

3) If no signs of pregnancy within the next couple of weeks, start Provera to induce a period and start a cycle.

4) Start over with Clomid/FSH shots to get me ovulating again.

5) Repeat a few cycles if ovulation is detected but pregnancy does not occur, then assess whether to move on to artificial insemination.

In theory, based on the cyst now being gone, my tubes not being blocked, no signs of PCOS seen, and no fibroid, etc. found on my uterus, there is no real reason for me not to ovulate. Unfortunately, I have a history of irregular cycles, and even if things look normal, it is not necessarily a given that I will ovulate on my own. Fortunately, however, who knows? There should be less standing in the way now, and I'm trying to have faith that my body will cooperate. Anything is possible.

We'll just have to see what the next couple of weeks bring. No matter what, it is nice to have this "baseline" from which to start fresh. Even with the physical and emotional pain of the past year, we have made a lot of progress, really. We have eliminated a lot of things that "aren't" the problem via process of elimination, and we've mitigated some of the major things that have been problematic.

-Em

I am one of those people who easily takes on the problems and struggles of others. In all of those personality profile quizzes I've taken for various management classes, I am always deemed a "counselor," someone who listens, sometimes offers advice, but mostly just lends an open ear to those who need to talk. It seems that no matter where I go, this counselor "aura" follows me. It's one of those unspoken things that others can often just sense. Co-workers have been known to come to my office, very often, asking if they can vent to me for a while. Even in my new job. I'm a little surprised how quickly I've fallen into that counselor role. I guess I must empathize with people pretty well, (admittedly sometimes more than I should), because I am always worrying about others I care about (and some that I just happen to know, but of course wish the best for).

This "trying to conceive" journey of mine has been a mostly lonely road so far. My friend Gail struggled with infertility and a miscarriage as well, but before I was even close to trying, so I have become enlightened to the deepness of her suffering only after-the-fact. She and her husband are now blessed with a beautiful son...he is a wonderful, beautiful little boy. She has been a comfort to me as I've struggled through this.

Now, my dearest Kate is struggling, too, and I cannot fully express the extent of my sadness for her. Part of me is so grateful, at times, to have someone I'm so close to finally understand, but that comfort does not keep me from struggling every day--wishing I could somehow shelter her from this pain. It is killing me to watch her go through it. Suddenly, I am in "protective big sister" mode, and I want to punch certain doctors in the face. I want to give dirty looks to the people who make her feel worse, when she already feels bad enough about herself. I want to make this all go away. It is not fair. Why Kate? Kate will be such a wonderful mother, I know she will be. I just do not understand life sometimes, and I know we're not necessarily meant to, but I'm praying harder than ever that the answers will soon become more clear as to why some of us struggle while others do not.

In the meantime, I just need some extra strength here, if you're listening...we both do.

-Em

[Note: Please know that I would not share the similar struggles of Gail and Kate here if they both were not already open about them themselves. I am not trying to tell other people's secrets, but rather tell them how much of a comfort they've been to me. Just in case anyone was worried... ]