Monday, February 18th. Outpatient. Procedure is scheduled for 2.5 hours, but they're unsure how long I'll be in recovery. (It is outpatient, though, so not longer than a few hours, obviously.) It is partly a laparoscopy, which means she'll be making an incision at my navel, but she will also be making incisions on both sides of my abdomen to insert her "tools" to perform the cyst removal and other exploratory procedures. I know this isn't major surgery, but I am still scared.

-Em

I had my doctor's appointment this morning, and the doctor confirmed what Drew and I had guessed at: the ovarian cyst has grown another two centimeters since my last ultrasound in November. She said, at this size, we need to get it out. She is going to schedule surgery for two or three weeks out (probably the second or third week in February). Luckily, it looks as though it is a "simple" cyst, so she does not believe we need to worry about a malignancy, etc. She also said she will do whatever she can to preserve my ovary during the surgery, though she did caution me that there are no guarantees. She talked about a few other exploratory procedures she would do "while she's in there," to investigate to see if anything else might be wrong with my tubes, ovaries, uterus, etc. She said, even if she doesn't find anything else abnormal, it is good information to have, especially if she needs to refer me to the "big gun" fertility specialists in Grand Rapids.

I went to check out after my appointment. The practice has been recently remodeled, and I was commenting on how different it looked to the lady behind the desk. A nurse I recognized from my prenatal  appointments when I was pregnant with LJ was walking by, as I made my comment, and she stopped to join in the conversation. She said, "Oh yeah, you were in here a lot during all the mess of the renovation!" I smiled and said yes. Then, she said, "How is your little one doing?" I was so stunned that I didn't know what to say, and I was just trying to blink away the tears that had somehow instantly appeared in my eyes. "Fine, fine..." I said, hoping that'd be the end of it. "How old now?" she continued. I had to finally stop there and shake my head and stammer, "Oh, the baby didn't...um..." as I began to sob. She and the lady behind the counter were of course stunned as I turned and walked out of the office.

I have to admit...I've had better days. I'm trying to focus on the "good" news...that I shouldn't worry about the cyst being cancerous. But, it's hard. I kinda just want this day to be over.

-Em

Late Friday afternoon I had an ultrasound to check on the ovarian cyst the doctor found before the holidays. The ultrasound technician isn't allowed to say a whole lot, especially when things look irregular, and it was obvious to both Drew and me that things aren't right. It looks as if the cyst on my left ovary hasn't gone down at all on its own; in fact, it looks like it has probably grown, as that ovary looked about three times the size of my right one. This wasn't particularly surprising to either of us, since I have been having a lot of irregular bleeding since Christmas accompanied by constant lower abdominal pain/bloating/tenderness. After the ultrasound, I was even more sore than usual (probably from having things jostled around in there quite a bit), and yesterday I wasn't feeling up to doing much of anything. I had a rough night, again because of the pain.

Drew let me sleep in this morning, because he knew I hadn't come to bed until late, and went grocery shopping while I was still in bed. When he got home, he told me to go to the fridge and pantry to "make sure he'd gotten the right stuff on the list," and I found a Guitar Hero III box on the kitchen counter!

Drew knows I have been wanting this game for our Nintendo Wii ever since our game night a couple months ago when I first tried it, and at lunch with some of our friends on Friday, I dropped another hint.

So, today, between loads of laundry and cooking, I've been playing the game. I have already "beaten" most of the first few songs at the "easy" level. This is going to be sooo addictive. I love it!

Thank you for the pick-me-up, baby...

-Em

P.S. I'll let you know the official results of this latest ultrasound after my doctor's appointment on Tuesday. I hope that it is just a large fluid-filled cyst that can be removed via surgery, as discussed before, and not something scarier. I have to stop reading about possibilities on the Internet: malignant cysts, losing an ovary because of the cyst's size, etc.. That stuff will scare ya half to death, let me tell you.

This year, I've been trying something different. This year, I have made a conscious decision to choose my attitude. And, what I've decided is that...I choose happiness.

I have never been much for New Year's Resolutions...something about setting yourself up for self-defeat, then having to wade through the self-defeating inner-loathing that comes from not accomplishing any of those goals you set out for yourself. I'm tired of being so hard on myself, and I'm tired of feeling guilty for not quite being the person I'd like to be (or that others think I should be).

This year, my only real goal is to give myself a chance at happiness. Happiness, it turns out, doesn't necessarily come from all of a sudden having those things (I don't just mean material things) in life you so desperately want. Happiness comes from living a life of gratitude every. day. Happiness comes from surrounding yourself with the people and things (again, things has a broader definition) you love. Happiness comes from spending less time beating yourself up about what you didn't accomplish, what you struggle with, what is out of your control. Happiness comes from taking a little bit of time for yourself every day to take care of yourself physically and ponder these things, which keep us "in tune" mentally and emotionally...what you're grateful for, affirmations to yourself about what it is you want out of life, and praying for strength to continue on in this way.

I'm not going to be so naive as to say that I'm a new person all of a sudden, more optimistic than pessimistic...able to shrug off hardships, sweep them under the rug, then go dance a little jig.

But I am trying. I'm learning that happiness is not something that I'll all of a sudden achieve when the stars align, the gods smile, and I am deemed "worthy" to be granted my heart's desires.

Happiness is something I have to try at a little each day.

-Em