“I’m so sorry,” I wrote, though the words, even as they materialized in front of me, seemed paltry…insignificant.  I stopped there, trying to pick out the right combination of words to say to her, words that would adequately describe my sorrow for her own personal loss and anguish.

“There’s really not a whole lot to say, is there?” she replied, gracious as always, and more conscious of my own feelings than she should be.

I racked my brain again. My almost-30 years of life experiences brought up nothing appropriate in the cerebral database to use as a condolence. Yes, cancer has touched my life before. Relatives and family friends have struggled and won…or lost. I’ve seen first-hand its unrelenting, ravaging grasp.

But her Mom just died. Her Mom. Died. She fought hard…for five years. On Sunday night, she lost the fight.

And I have no words for her. I can cry for her. I can wish to be there for her. Mostly, though, I am in awe of her. She has been the strong one for her family through all of this. She has held it together so many times, allowing the others to fall apart.

 “She’s at peace now,” are the only words that come to mind besides “I’m sorry.” My hope is that one day she will be, too.

Last weekend, we flew to Wisconsin to meet Keaton, the first child of our good friends, Kate and Collin. It was his baptism weekend, so we were able to be there and offer a helping hand for those festivities as well. Drew and I were both more than smitten with little Keaton. He is an absolute doll, and we both eagerly held him often over the few days that Kate and Collin put up with us us up.

Kate and Collin are already wonderful, caring, and doting parents to Keaton. It was so fun to watch them with him, and to see him respond to his Mommy and Daddy. Even at only eight weeks old, the little peanut certainly knows the difference and responds preciously when he hears their voices, sees their faces, or feels their touch. It brought me to near-tears several times to witness these two, who so desperately wanted a child, interacting with their perfectly sweet little one.

Here are a few pictures of this weekend (mostly from the baptism). I wanted to take more pictures around the house of all of us (including Amanda, who we also enjoyed seeing...hi, Amanda!) with the baby, but wouldn't you know it? My camera battery was dead almost immediately after I took my first picture. Luckily, before the baptism on Sunday, Kate and I figured out we basically have the exact same Canon point-and-shoot, so I was able to use her battery charger. (Phew!)

Thank you for letting us come meet our pseudo-nephew, you guys. We enjoyed every minute of it, and we can't wait until we get to see all of you again! We miss you!

-Em and Drew

It may not surprise you to hear that I've been feeling rather "ho-hum"--even Scrooge-ish, at times--about Christmas this year. This month marks our 3rd Wedding Anniversary, which Drew and I are extremely proud of and excited about, but it also marks our 3rd anniversary of trying to start a family, which lends a melancholy tinge to the entire event.

Earlier this month, while I was still miscarrying our second child, I had a brief moment of holiday spirit, thinking that if I surrounded myself with glowing, twinkly lights and the cozy beauty of a home decorated for the holidays, my spirits would lift--would cast aside our troubles and yet another year of disappointment and loss.

The moment didn't last long, however, and I soon just felt overwhelmed by my to-do list of finishing up my first semester of university teaching and keeping my head above water at Work #1. Since that brief moment of insanity, I have been slow and unenthusiastic about finishing my Christmas shopping, cards, etc. Usually, I listen to Christmas music--Diana Krall, Frank Sinatra, Michael Buble, James Taylor. This year, my CDs have sat in a pile, gathering dust.

This morning, on the very slow and slick drive to work after a two-hour delay, I found myself scanning the radio stations. For some reason, I stopped on the local station that has played Christmas music 24/7 since some insanely early date in November. I recognized James' voice, and I stopped to listen.

Though there are many different versions of the song 'Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas', I must admit that James Taylor's version is my absolute favorite (that's saying a lot, since I love Judy Garland's 'Meet Me in St. Louis' version, as well as Sinatra's). His interpretation is decidedly more melancholy than other versions, and perhaps that's why it caught my ear this morning.

Here is a portion of the lyrics and a video of him performing the song:

Christmas future is far away, Christmas past is past.
Christmas present is here today bringing joy that may last.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas, may your heart be light.
In a year our troubles will be out of sight.

From now on, have yourself a merry little Christmas, make the yuletide gay.
In a year our troubles will be miles away.

Here we are as in olden days, happy golden days of yore.
Precious friends who are dear to us gather near to us once more.

I know that in a year we all will be together, if the Fates allow.
Until then, we'll just have to muddle through somehow.
And have ourselves a merry little Christmas now.

Cause everybody knows... (etc.)

My wish for all of you this Christmas is that you can appreciate the now and the little joys tucked in among the news of friends and family losing jobs, of losing loved ones, of continuing to struggle, when it certainly feels like you've struggled more than your fair share lately.

As for us, our Christmas will be little, modest. We'll open the smallish presents we've decided to do this year, stuffed in the two lone stockings that hang, waiting so patiently for a third to join. We'll huddle close together, under the covers, trying to keep each other warm, trying to shelter one another from what life has thrown our way...trying to focus on on the little reminders of joy and hope, when they pop up, and pray for gracious blessings for us all in the New Year.

Happy Holidays, Everyone.

-Em and Drew

As many of you know, my dear friend, Kate, is pregnant with her first child, who is scheduled to make his/her worldly debut in late January of 2009.

Two weekends ago, a few of us (Michele, Aubrey, Mary [her Mom], and me) threw Kate a baby shower in her hometown of Earlville, Illinois (where we all graduated from high school). Mary, Kate's Mom, was gracious enough to host the shower at her home, and between her, Michele, Aubrey, and me, we were able to pull together all of the food, cake, decorations, favors, games, etc.

(I wish I would've remembered to get a picture with all of us girls in it before or after the shower, but the whole thing was such a whirlwind, it never happened. I'm super bummed. )

Michele took care of getting a PHENOMENAL cake from a local bakery (great job, Michele!) and helped me plan games.

Here's Aubrey's beautiful daughter, Maggie, standing next to the cake table with favors:

Aubrey made some wonderful sets of her famous handmade cards for the winners of the games. Everyone was so pleased to receive those gifts. She is so talented! 

Michele and Aubrey also worked together while Kate opened her gifts, taking meticulous notes as shown below. Life savers!

Another good friend of mine, Gail, who lives here in Michigan has become friends with Kate through blogging, spent one whole Saturday with me a few weeks ago helping make two of the major decorative features for the shower: the diaper cake and baby sock roses. I can't tell you how much she helped me with ideas and assembly. She is by nature much craftier than me, and I'm sure I would've completely ruined the projects without her calming influence and natural ability to make things beautiful. Thanks, Gail!

From diapers...

To assembly...

To a finished centerpiece.

From teeny baby socks...

To baby sock roses. (Again, I'm so sad I didn't get a picture of the arrangements we put together with the baby sock roses when they were complete. I think they turned out really cute, but you'll just have to take my word for it.)

Speaking of Gail, she made some absolutely beautiful gifts for me to bring down to Kate (I know, right? How thoughtful.). Here are a few pictures of Kate opening the handmade items...

A crocheted afghan...

A fleece tie blanket...

A super-soft hooded towel...

Here are a few more select pictures from the shower (Kate, I have more, and I am still planning to send you a disc with all of them soon)...

Virjean (and a teeny bit of Tara)...

Mary looks on proudly...Maggie helps with organizing presents...

All in all, I think the shower was a success! It was wonderful to spend some quality time with Kate and her Mom as well as Aubrey and Michele (though my time with them was much too short). It was also wonderful to catch up with Kate's good friend, Amanda, from college, who I don't believe I've seen since Kate's wedding more than three years ago! Amanda was also a big help with passing out cake and helping Mary fold all that gift tissue paper that we KNOW she'll be hoarding for the next 20 years!  (You know we love you, Mary.)

Kate, we all love you very much, agree that you look fabulous, and cannot wait to meet this energetic little person (hehe...Baby Madden) who has taken up residence inside of you (oh, by the way, I got to feel the baby a few times that weekend, too...sooo exciting!).We can't wait to meet your little one. Here's to a safe and healthy final few weeks of pregnancy!

-Em 

I am playing a bit of catch-up with posting photos. The 'Recent Photos' on the left include the few I took during my D.C. conference, the West Michigan Whitecaps baseball game we went to with our friends Becky and Abby last Saturday, and a couple other stragglers from around the house.

Did I mention they're all taken on our new camera? I fell in love with my sister's Canon PowerShot SD1000 when she was visiting last month, and I've been wanting a new point-and-shoot. This will be a great alternative for times when we just don't feel like carrying the Nikon DSLR and associated gear around with us.

Anyway, okay. I feel a little more caught-up now.

Have a great weekend!

-Em